


In Your Eyes

by ApersonalHaven



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Alpha Arin, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Angst, Depression, Eventual mpreg, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, I promised myself I wouldn’t write this yet here we are, Kind of canon but not really, Kind of non-con, M/M, Mentions of miscarriage, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Omega Danny, Omega Verse, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide mention, bit ooc sometimes, mentions of pregnancy termination, non-con, non-graphic miscarriage, relationship drama, tour drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-04-14 15:08:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 26,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14138619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApersonalHaven/pseuds/ApersonalHaven
Summary: Usually Dan and Arin stick to what they're familiar with but then things take a turn when they spend the weekend in a hotel room together while they attend an event.Things just get crazier and scarier from there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever full length fan fiction I've ever posted and I'm terrified!  
> I usually only post very short drabbles or imagine style fics on my Instagram so this is completely out of my comfort zone.  
> I apologise for the mess that you're about to read...

Dan and Arin were finishing up an episode of one of their many Zelda series’ episodes; Zelda, Majora’s Mask, when Arin mid conversation decided to throw out a question into the abyss. “I just don’t understand why Omegas are the only ones who can have children, I mean I’m a man, like you, who wants to carry a child.” Arin was clearly trying to make a joke out of his point but there was still a hint of jealousy and upset in his voice. Dan simply sat giggling at how childish Arin sounded, trying not to make the situation sound too serious, but at the same time he didn’t want to undermine Arin’s views and feelings.

“dude, I can’t help you answer that one, I mean it probably isn’t fair and it may seem like that now, but let’s be real would you really want to push a giant melon sized baby out of something so small?” Dan motioned to his crotch area which obviously wasn’t picked up by the audience. “You should thank your lucky stars you lucky bastard.” Dan continued giggling as Arin continued his nonsense ramblings, which were sounding more like odd noises at this point. Arin sat huffed with his arms folded across his chest huffing small breaths every so often, “you’re such as child,” Dan was still giggling and slapped at Arin’s arm which was audible over the microphones, “- next time on game grumps, maybe we’ll discuss more things unfair in the world, bye-.” As the screen cut off and ended with the links screen, Arin’s mumbling and huffing could still be heard over the end screen sound capture.

Arin burst out laughing after the recording had finished, Dan followed shortly after but then calmed as he addressed that whole situation again. “Were you being serious about that question or were you just rambling as you played?” Dan seemed to be more concerned than anything else. He’s never talked to Arin about this stuff, he always assumed that he was okay with being an Alpha considering he was with Suzy for over 10 years. He didn’t even know Arin wanted kids, he’d never voiced his views towards it or even expressed an interest, what had gotten Arin so focused on kids all of a sudden. Dan sat and thought for a while as Arin went to get the food they’d ordered because they had a long night ahead of them as they needed to record a bunch of episodes before they headed off to a convention for the weekend. They also needed to continue into the early hours of the morning to get ahead of their schedules to create extra episodes to put up while they went on tour for a couple of months.

Arin arrived back into the office with their food, the smells filled the office making both of their stomachs growl with hunger. This was their third night in a row they’ve played videogames and recorded episodes into the early hours of the morning, so they were no stranger to take-outs and mountains of food in front of them at 3am. As Arin set out the food on the small coffee table in front of him, Dan noticed that Arin’s phone was sitting on the sofa next to him, unlocked and was lit up by a YouTube video; Suzy’s recent video. Before Dan could think he shouted an outburst of realisation “That’s why you’ve been thinking about kids,” Dan finally figured it out, the mood changes, the snapping whenever Dan talked about his Omega stuff, it was Suzy’s pregnancy getting to him, “...Suzy!” Dan felt a small relief because he thought he was the problem and that he couldn’t do anything to help Arin.

“What the fuck,” Arin laughed out with a sad smile on his face, “dude no- I mean I’m happy for her but like I’m not bothered by it...” Arin shuffled back up onto the sofa next to Dan and handed him his tray of food, Dan simply gave him a knowing side eye that made him shift in his seat a little “look, I’m happy for her I really am, I’m just a bit peeved that we were together for so long and she never once expressed an interest in kids, now suddenly Barry is in the picture, she’s kid-mad...” Arin looked slightly defeated so Dan didn’t push the conversation further which Arin appreciated.

Although Arin didn’t show much emotion when it came to topics about Suzy, it was evident that even after almost 2 years he was still taking the break-up hard. But who could blame him when you spend half of your life with someone you love and they decide they want something new; someone new. Dan tried to be his crutch but it was difficult for Arin not to believe that all Omega’s were going to treat him the same way as Suzy did. But he knew in his heart that Dan would never treat him that way, they weren’t together, but best friends are a stronger bond than anything; or at least that’s what the two of them believed. At the beginning of Dan joining the grumps, they believed that the two of them could never be close, an unmated omega and an alpha only being friends? It was unheard of, something that rarely ever happened, but they made it work.

After their night of recording and pulling an all-nighter to finish the episodes ready for Ryan and Matt to edit and upload, they said their goodbyes at almost 11am and headed off to their separate apartments. Arin headed home, trying to forget everything there was about Suzy and push all of his thoughts out of his head. However, this only made his dreams and night terrors worse. Usually, he’d fall asleep and dream about mundane things, like hanging out with Dan or being at events, or even eating at Wendy’s. That night was different. He dreamt he was still with Suzy, pregnant and in labour. The dream was too vivid for comfort; too real he could feel the pains ripping through him like a hot knife through butter. He was in pain, crying and begging for Suzy to help, but she left, never returned and his baby gone with her. All of that pain, hurting for nothing. He felt a weight on his chest, as if someone was pushing him to the bed not allowing him to sit up or even move. He opened his eyes willing his body to follow his mind and wake up. As his eyes opened he could see a small shadowed figure standing over him, no facial features, just a silhouette of what appeared to be a woman with long flowing hair.

He finally awoke fully at 11pm, after a full 12 hours of sleep, sweating and panting; he’s never experienced a night terror as hauntingly real as that before. He didn’t know what to do, he tried calling Dan but he must have been either busy or still asleep. Grabbing a glass of water and taking a shower to calm himself down, his phone began to ring. It was Dan. “Hey dude, you tried calling me earlier, sorry I must have just passed out from exhaustion. What’s up?” Arin could feel himself sweating again and panicking, he really wasn’t okay. ‘I need you’ were the only words Arin could squeak out, leaving Dan to hang up the phone promptly and frantically grab his jacket before rushing over to Arin’s apartment.

On arrival, Dan knew Arin had spiralled again and he dreaded the sight he was about to witness. Arin had done this before when he and Suzy had just broken off their marriage, he’d called Dan in the middle of the night asking for help. Then when Dan arrived, Arin was sat on the bathroom floor, pills in one hand and a bottle of Vodka in the other. Dan feared the worst as he entered Arin’s unlocked apartment. Luckily Arin was just sat on the sofa barely moving, letting out shaky breaths every so often. Dan didn’t want to startle him or make any sudden movements that would scare Arin away; he found from the last time that all he needed to do was just be there for Arin, don’t say anything and definitely don’t try to coax anything out of him because he would talk when he was ready. Arin began to cry once again which prompted Dan to pull him softly into a hug, allowing him to cry into his shoulder.

After about half an hour of them sitting like that in silence with soft cries coming from Arin every so often, it was now close to midnight when Arin finally sat up and smiled a small thank you to Dan. Arin began to take a shaky sip of his water he’d placed on the floor, and began to speak, “I’m sorry if I scared you with that phone call, especially after the last time I rang you so late, I didn’t know what else to do.” Arin shivered after remember the last time, “The night terrors returned.” And with that one sentence Dan understood everything there was to the situation. He simply nodded his acknowledgement and allowed Arin to talk at his own pace, without questions or coaxing. “But it was different this time, she wasn’t physically hurting me or taunting me, she was just kind of there, lurking next to me as I went through this pain.” Arin went on to describe his night terror in great detail which was physically draining for Arin as Dan could see him visibly shaking and sweating as he relayed all of the detail.

After Arin had finished talking about his dream and stopped hyperventilating, Dan didn’t say anything just pulled him into a tighter hug and rested his own head on top of Arin’s. They sat like that for a small while letting Arin calm down and visibly chill out. “Shit man, I didn’t realise you were still affected by this so badly, is there anything I can do?” Dan didn’t know exactly what he could do, neither of them did, but he wanted to help alleviate any further trauma if he could. Arin just shrugged, what was there to say? Kick Barry and Suzy out of grumps? That wasn’t fair, they had a baby on the way, and they needed all the extra cash they could get.

The only thing Arin could think of was a break, a break from grumps, a break from life. “We’ve got the convention coming up, Suzy won’t be there, so maybe I can try and relax while I’m there without bumping into her or spending all day with her.” Arin felt a small relief after remembering the convention and Suzy not being there made the whole event seem like heaven. For the rest of the night they sat and watched grump episodes and reminisced about the past few years, laughing at old nonsense jokes and old stories they’d forgotten about.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Dan and Arin don't drink, I hear y'all shouting, but it needed to happen for the rest of the story to make sense.

The convention rolled around the corner and the grumps all packed their bags and headed on the road to the convention. The majority of the grumps decided to just hire a campervan for the weekend to take them to the hotel and centre, saving them all from driving separately and fight for parking spaces and fighting through the traffic. But Arin and Dan took Dan’s car to the hotel, to allow Arin to have some space away from the others before spending the entire weekend with them all in a small booth. They arrived at the hotel safely after hours of their own version of carpool karaoke and I spy. The others had already checked in and headed up to their rooms, leaving Arin and Dan to sign in and head up by themselves.

“Good afternoon, how can I help you?” A woman behind the desk took their names and signed them both in on her computer. “Okay, here are your room keys, you’re staying in the honeymoon suite on the very top floor, if you have any questions or concerns please let me know, enjoy your stay!” The woman ran off the professional spiel with a sickly sweet grin on her face, and completely oblivious to their shocked faces staring back at her not saying a single word.

Dan cleared his throat loudly as he stepped forward and leant against the front desk, “yeah uh, I have a question- a concern you may say,” he cleared his throat once again as the woman looked up from her desk, “yeah, why do we have the honeymoon suite?” Dan spoke in a completely bewildered tone, “We booked a room with two single beds months ago, and we’re here for the convention not a honeymoon...” Dan looked over at Arin who had begun snickering to himself at their misfortune, it could only have happened to them. Although, they had a small suspicion that the other grumps had something to do with this mix up. Probably Ross; fucking Ross.

The woman looked a little embarrassed as she tapped vigorously on her computer keyboard to find a mistake somewhere on the system. When she found that the room they were originally going to be staying in had been booked twice by someone just before them and the system automatically booked them into the honeymoon suite (the only other room available). The woman stuttered as she relayed her findings, “I’m sorry sir but it appears you have been booked into the honeymoon suite on the day you called us to book the room, unfortunately that is the only room left in the hotel for tonight and tomorrow night but if you’d like we could change your room for your third night and onwards?” The woman seemed sweet and genuinely concerned that the two of them were angry at the mix up but Dan thought again about the situation and began giggling at the whole ordeal.

Dan calmed himself for a second and replied “we’re only here for three nights so it seems too much of a hassle to change the room after we’ll be in it for two nights anyway, I’m sure we can survive sleeping in the same bed for three nights, right Arin?” Dan looked over at Arin who was still smirking and laughing at the thought of them staying in the honeymoon suite. He rolled his eyes at the giggling mess of a man, “...we’ll be fine.” Dan said as he took the keys and headed up to the room. Little did Dan know, Arin wasn’t amused by this situation, he was happy that they could spend some alone time together which will allow him to figure out if what he is feeling is due to Suzy’s announcement or if the feelings are genuine.

They headed up to their rooms cracking jokes about this amusing situation they had found themselves in, still blaming Ross for the whole ordeal even though it was proven to just be a system error; it was still Ross’ fault in their eyes. They didn’t know how or why they just needed someone to blame. In reality, they needed someone to blame because they didn’t want to appear as if they were actually glad the mix-up happened. As they arrived at the room they took a synced inhale, held their breath and opened the door to reveal the most over-the-top and in your face pink/red room they had ever seen. The bed was heart-shaped with rose petals sprinkled around, the walls were a sickly pink colour and the decor was all hearts and roses. It was evident that it was definitely the honeymoon suite. The two of them went on a hunt to find the most ‘honeymoon’ thing they could find. Arin immediately ran for the bathroom while Dan searched the bedside drawers. “Christ dude, have you seen the size of this bath, you could fit three people in it, clearly trying to appeal to the sensual people.” Arin laughed at how big it was but in all fairness he knew that he was going to have a bath that night to feel the comfort of a bath big enough to fit at least one person in without taps or showers being in the way of relaxation.

Dan pulled out an odd looking object out of the bedside drawer and shouted through to Arin, “and I’ve found the kinks,” Dan had rolled down his hoodie sleeve and wrapped it around his hand before waving the odd shaped object in Arins face, “I hope to god that these weren’t just left from the previous occupants, or better yet that they have been washed by either staff or the previous owners.” Dan immediately dropped the object back into the drawer and shut it firmly. “I can’t believe someone would just abandon a perfectly good vibrator.” Dan giggled at his own comment and continued his search through the draws.

“I found the inevitable condom and lube draw,” Arin called from the other end of the bed, “wow this hotel really does think of everything, but whoever the poor bastard that was staying here before us clearly didn’t get any because the draw is still full of unopened packs, even the lube hasn’t been touched.” Arin laughed at the misfortune of the other people and closed the draw. The more they looked through the draws, the weirder the contents got, numbers for ‘special facilities’; whips and chains; handcuffs of all varieties; and even a draw full of masks. Neither of them wanted to question anything they had seen in fear of being scarred for life.

After unpacking a little and changing their clothes into NSP and Starbomb merchandise, they headed down to the convention hall to meet the others to help set up their booths. As they arrived at the convention hall, they could see Ross and Holly already assembling one of two booths and joined them to help set up.

With both of the booths successfully assembled they could unpack the merchandise before the hall began to fill up with fans. As Dan was lifting one of the boxes, he felt a sharp jab of a finger digging in between two of his ribs causing him to laugh out in pain while simultaneously dropping the box of T-shirts. “You bastard, you’re lucky this was just a box of shirts and nothing fragile.” Dan rubbed his rib as he bent down to retrieve the shirts that had spilled out of the box. “Are you gonna help or just stand there looking pretty?” Dan rolled his eyes as he pulled the box up and steadied it on his knee.

“Awe Dan, I’m flattered that you think I’m pretty,” Ross held his hands over his heart as Dan audibly groaned at how annoying Ross can be, “looks like you’ve got it all handled so I’m gonna go say hi to people.” Before he ran off to find some people, he turned back around and posed a question, “hey, by the way, did you and Arin find your room okay?” Dan knew that Ross wasn’t the culprit behind their room mix-up but he seemed too overly excited about the answer.

“Yeah we did, why are you so intrigued?” Dan asked still very sceptical about Ross and his antics.

Ross’ eyebrow twitched, “I’m not intrigued, just wanted to know if you both got here okay and found your room fine, why? Should I be intrigued?” Ross’ eyebrow raised upwards in a questioning manner.

Dan still knew Ross had nothing to do with the room fiasco but he couldn’t be too sure with Ross being the little schemer he was, he wouldn’t put it past him to make a huge elaborate plan ahead of schedule just to mess with him, could he? “No, well it’s just there was a mix-up, apparently the hotel system booked us into the honeymoon suite,” before Dan could provide more information, Ross burst out into laughter, “and apparently, there’s no other rooms available until the night we leave so we’re stuck in the honeymoon suite, unless you and Holly want it?” Dan hoped that Ross would say no, he didn’t know why but the thought of sharing a room, and a bed, with Arin for the next few nights made him happy and gave him anxiety at the same time. Dan and Arin had been friends for a few years now and he wasn’t totally opposed to anything sparking between them, in all honesty he kinda hoped something had happened a long time ago.

“Absolutely not, I need to see how this plays out,” Dan gave Ross a questioning look, “I mean you’re both single guys, best friends, sharing a bed... What could go wrong?” Ross began chuckling menacingly at the thought “anything could happen really.” Ross walked away before Dan could reply to Ross’ allegations but simply rolled his eyes in annoyance because he was right; literally anything could happen.  
All three days of the convention went pretty smoothly, no incidents or accidents, pretty chill and relaxed for a hectic event. The only ‘incidents’ that had happened the whole weekend, was that for the first two mornings of Dan and Arin sharing a bed, they happened to wake up in each other’s arms. The first morning it happened, Dan had his arm draped over Arin’s shoulders, innocent enough, and they simply laughed it off and made jokes all morning about the situation. The second morning it happened, Arin was completely wrapped around Dan in a protective form, breathing in his scent and completely relaxed and comfortable. They laughed it off once again, cracking jokes and mimicking the scene throughout the day. Ross noticed the shenanigans and kept throwing Dan a knowing side-eye to convey his earlier point of “anything can happen.”

The last day of convention had finished so after dismantling their booths and making sure all the leftover merchandise was secure enough to move back to the campervan and car, the grumps all headed to the nearest bar to unwind from a busy few days of meeting fans and taking photos and hugging hundreds of thousands of fans. Ross of course cracked a bunch of jokes about Dan and Arin sharing the honeymoon suite, “hey, guys did you hear... Dan and Arin have the honeymoon suite” Ross wiggled his eyebrows as his speech was slurring, clearly only trying to get a reaction from one of them. At this point, Dan and Arin had already slept in that room for two nights already, of course the rest of the grumps had heard but Ross was too far gone to even know what day it was.

“I mean, it’s literally almost night three in that room but once again we didn’t deliberately ask for the honeymoon suite, they accidentally booked a room twice so the system changed the booking and we happened to end up with the suite.” Dan didn’t exactly know why he was explaining himself to the rest of the crew because he’d already had this discussion, plus it was a system error plain and simple. Either way Ross was the only one who actually cared because Holly and co. didn’t seem phased by the news, simply nodded their heads in acknowledgement and went back to their discussions. “Ross what the fuck? We’ve already had this discussion with all of them, they’re not making a huge deal so why are you?” Dan was more curious than pissed, he genuinely wanted to know why he was so focused on his and Arin’s relationship.

Arin was at the bar trying to buy another round for them all, so he was unaware of the scene Ross had just tried to make. Ross simply shrugged his shoulders before he spoke, “you guys are my friends and I want to see you both happy, I’m tired of seeing Arin so depressed all of the time whenever Suzy is around or even mentioned, and you- well you haven’t exactly had a long-term relationship in a while so I just want to see you both happy, even if it’s not with each other.” Ross went back to finishing his drink and tried to join Holly and the others’ conversation.

Before Dan could reply to Ross’ kind words Arin came back with a round and wanted to know what he’d missed. Ross gave Dan a look as Dan replied “nothing really, they’re just discussing what they’re going to order from room service tonight when they get back to the hotel. I think I’m gonna stay for a few more drinks, don’t really feel like heading back yet.” Dan threw back the rest of the drink he had and immediately started on the drink Arin had just brought over.

Arin noticed the change in mood and became worried about his best friend, “Dan, what’s up? You’re not usually the ‘big-drinker’ kinda guy.” Dan simply shrugged and continued drinking his drink. Arin thought he’d best leave Dan to his own accord and not push anything in case he went off by himself. The other grumps slowly started to leave, one by one, back to their hotel rooms, leaving both Arin and Dan at the bar together. At this point they were both pretty wasted and didn’t plan on heading back to the hotel any time soon.

Arin just wanted to bask in this moment; sat with his best friend in a bar, in a different state from Suzy. He wanted to stay here for as long as he could, without thinking about the travel home the next morning. The thought of going home made him anxious, he was happy to get back and film more grumps. But the thought of seeing Suzy drained the soul from him.

A couple of rounds later and they were falling over each other into their hotel room, the honeymoon suite. Arin held a hand out to help Dan up off the floor and pulled him to his feet which resulted in the two of them falling backwards onto the heart-shaped bed. Arin threw an arm over his eyes, “I still can’t believe we’ve actually just spent the whole weekend in this room together,” the two of them laughed and giggled at their dumb luck, “like we’ve never even lived together and now we’ve just spent the weekend in the same bed.” The giggling continued until Arin calmed down and got deep for a second. “I envy you so much, y’know?” Arin’s tone had shifted as he spoke.

Dan didn’t really notice the sadness on Arins face as he spoke, “why’s that? I’m nothing to envy, dude, we do the same shit, grumps, starbomb, shit we even have the same eating and sleep schedules...” Dan continued giggling but sobered up a little when Arin admitted his true feelings about how badly he wanted a child and to what lengths he would go to just to have one.

“Because you can have your own biological child literally whenever you feel like it, there’s banks, one night stands, ‘places’ you can go...” Arin began rambling but stopped himself before calming down and continuing his train of thought, “all I’m saying is that you get to decide if and when you have a kid, for me it’s not that easy.” Arin looked defeated and wanted to cry again but held himself together as he heard Dan clear his throat and begin to speak his side.

“I mean, there’s adoption, right?” He knew that suggestion had crossed his mind before but Dan knew how much work raising a child was and doing that alone? It would be hard to handle alongside grumps and the bands. “It’s true, I do have options, but the thing is I’m not 100% certain I even want kids, it’d be nice to have my own children and have a child continue my family name, but my life is too hectic; what with game grumps and the new Starbomb album, as well as all the NSP stuff going on, I still have a lot of career things I want to pursue,” Dan paused for a minute to allow Arin to say something but he didn’t say anything simply continued sitting and listening to Dan’s side of the conversation. “Plus I haven’t exactly found the right person yet which isn’t exactly ideal especially at my age, time is kinda ticking y’know, I don’t know how many heats I have left in this old and tired body.”

Arin realised that Dan wasn’t against the idea of kids because he didn’t want them, he was against the idea because he wasn’t even sure his body would allow him to have a child and didn’t want to get his hopes up in case it never happened. But Arin still wanted to fight for this idea, “but that’s just it, you can decide if and when you want a kid on your own without needing anyone else to be ready, I have to wait for my partner to be ready too... Also I need a partner first...” Arin sat and thought for a second before speaking again, “it looks like we’re in the same boat, maybe we should have a kid?” Arin seemed to be laughing as he spoke, but there was still a hint of seriousness to his statement. With Arin’s logic they seemed to be a compatible match, it wasn’t exactly the most ridiculous thing Arin had said that whole night. 

They were wasted after all.

Dan contemplated the offer for a minute and seriously thought about having a kid with Arin, it wasn’t the worst idea in the world, they were best friends; practically soulmates at this point. But Arin was ready for a kid now and Dan hadn’t even thought about kids for a few years now, “okay how about we make one of those weird packs that friends sometimes make when they’re still single at 40, let’s face it we aren’t exactly spring chickens and we ain’t getting any younger? How about in a years’ time, if we’re both still single we’ll have a kid? Deal?” Dan held out his hand as a legitimate business deal and shook Arin’s hand to seal the deal. The deal was done and there was no going back. The deal was apparently their drunk gateway to a whole other interaction.

Immediately that deal was completely thrown out of the window as the rest of that night was a complete blur and they both awoke the next morning in each other’s arms completely naked with clothes thrown all over the room. “Did we-?” Dan looked around the messy room at their clothes lying on the mirror, the bedpost and even on top of the toilet in the small en-suite bathroom. What had they done? Dan immediately sat up in the bed and began to look around the small hotel room to find all of the clothes he’d discarded the night before. Wrapping a sheet around his waist he got up to retrieve all of the forgotten clothes and dressed himself hastily.

“I think we might have... I guess we didn’t need that deal after all.” Arin tried to joke about the situation but Dan clearly was not amused. His eyes never met Arins once, he was clearly pissed but he didn’t know why, he couldn’t remember anything past making the deal for their one-year contract. What had happened between that moment and this? Arin didn’t really know what to do, he was happy that they might have potentially had sex but he knew that Dan was pissed so he didn’t want to make the situation any worse than it already was.

Dan frantically pulled on his boxers and blurted out, “What the fuck happened last night, man? One minute we were shaking hands now we’re here, how did we go from shaking hands to shaking junk?” Dan couldn’t wrap his head around the situation, his mood wasn’t helped by Arin who was trying not to snicker at Dan’s analogy, “this isn’t funny, what if we did do something and I end up pregnant? Because let’s face it, we were too out of it to use protection.” Dan’s head started spinning he couldn’t handle this. What if he was pregnant? He couldn’t see any discarded condoms, the draw next to their bed was still full but the bottle of lube had been opened and moved, and he’d forgotten his birth control pills but didn’t panic at the time because there was no way he’d need them. Or so he thought.

Arin stood up mimicking Dan’s previous actions, wrapping another thin sheet around his waist to preserve any kind of innocence he had left and sat back down on the bed trying to coax Dan to sit down too, “hey calm down, you weren’t in heat last night, and I wasn’t in rut, nothing happened, at least I don’t think, I remember we opened one of those bottles of champagne in the mini bar to toast our deal but then I don’t remember what happened.” Something Arin said triggered Dan’s memory of the night before and he began to have a weird epiphany.

“I know what happened... We did open a bottle and toasted to the deal, we continued talking on the sofa and the conversation took a turn, it turned deep and emotional, we admitted things we never thought we’d admit. Christ, I remember what I admitted to you and you- you’re in love with me?” Arin didn’t say anything just shifted on the bed a little to cover himself as he suddenly felt very exposed both physically and emotionally.

“Shit.” Arin ran into the bathroom and locked himself in feeling embarrassed and scared that he might have just lost his best friend over this. They were best friends, they told each other they loved each other all the time, during grump episodes, before they hung up on the phone, even when they’ve gone through a rough patch and the other has helped them through it by going out of their way to be a shoulder to cry on. But this was different, he didn’t just love him, he was in love with Dan.

Dan gently knocked on the bathroom door as not to startle Arin or make him on edge, “Hey Arin, you clearly don’t remember the thing I admitted,” the silence that occurred confirmed his thought, and Dan sighed and spoke softly “I love you too. But like not as best friends- I mean you are my best friend but I don’t just love you as a best friend.” He experienced Deja Vu as he said that sentence, he’d said that last night, they both did, that’s what lead to the awkward awakening.

Arin spoke just as soft as Dan, “shit you’re right,” Arin opened the door a little sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, standing in his boxers as they were the only clothing items of his in the bathroom. “My mind completely blocked all of that out, I’m glad you remembered though.” Arin felt genuine relief as his gap in memory was restored. Dan pulled Arin into a small hug as he could see that his mind was racing and internally freaking out. He placed a small kiss on top of Arins’ head to allow him to relax into the hug.

After a long talk and a bunch more confessions, they packed up their belongings and headed out to the car to head home. “So what do we do now?” Arin asked, not being specific but Dan knew exactly what he was referring to. “We’ve spent the night together, neither of us remember it but it happened,” they both laughed at their own stupidity before Arin continued, “So what’s next?” Dan smiled and simply shrugged, in all honesty he didn’t really know what was next, all he knew was things were definitely going to be different; hopefully a good different.

Dan grabbed one of their bags and hoisted it over his shoulder to help him carry it down the three flights of stairs. Arin headed down the stairs first and checked them both out at the front desk. Before Dan locked the room behind him, he took one last look at the hotel room he and Arin had shared for the past three nights, weirdly it’ll always hold a special place in Dan’s heart as it not only allowed him to figure out his true feelings for Arin, but it also helped him to create a stronger bond with him. A memory he will cherish for the rest of his life.


	3. Chapter 3

A few weeks had passed since the convention weekend and everything seemed to go back to normal, at the office at least. Dan and Arin decided to not let what happened that weekend get in the way of their working relationship and friendship; although they both knew in their hearts that they wanted more. They couldn’t put everything on hold to test out how a relationship would work; they also didn’t want to ruin their perfect friendship if something went bad. Ross was already suspicious about the two because he had noticed from a mile away they were different with each other after that weekend, he could feel a change but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

Ross and Dan began their third and final episode of steam train for the day, before Dan headed out on tour for NSP and Starbomb. Ross paused before starting the episode and posed a question to Dan, “so you and Arin fuck?” The question was blunt and very Ross to just get straight to the point with his questioning. Dan all but choked on his water and tried to recover quickly before Ross continued his reasoning for the question, “just I noticed you’re both different and just wondered if it was because ya got some.” Ross wiggled his eyebrows and shot a goofy smile towards Dan.

Dan recovered quickly and readjusted himself in his seat, shuffling and fidgeting before speaking, “I-uh I mean we didn’t not do anything...” Dan tried to be cryptic but then realised exactly who he was talking to, Ross was the fucking master of being cryptic and cracking people. “Fine, I’m more than certain we did,” Ross shot him a look with a confused raised eyebrow, “we were drunk, I don’t really remember doing anything but we woke up naked and highly incapacitated with hangovers.” Dan just shook his head at the memory but smiled a little to himself.

Ross caught the small smile, but tried to ignore it until he began to smile himself, “I knew it, I told you something would happened, I didn’t know what exactly but I knew something definitely would. I’ve seen you two around each other, you’re made for each other, there’s no doubting that. Just wish it’d happened sooner in all honesty.” Ross took a sip of his own water and motioned for them to start the episode.

“Dude, that’s the nicest fucking thing you’ve ever said to me, I mean you’re usually an unbelievable douchebag most of the time but you can be the sweetest asshole when you want to be.” Dan felt like a big softie right now but he didn’t care.

Ross sat with a smug smile on his face and looked very proud of himself even though he hadn’t really done anything. “I’ll take that as a compliment!” They didn’t speak more on the situation, just simply went on with the episode before Dan said his goodbyes and headed on the road with Arin by his side for the tours ahead.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day, what is this Christmas?  
> They're two tiny chapters but its better than nothing, right? amiright?

Dan and Arin had planned for both NSP and Starbomb to tour alongside one another, the same cities only one day ahead of each other. So the Friday night would be the Starbomb tour date and the Saturday night would be an NSP tour date in the same city and venue, meaning they didn’t have to be on tour for the whole year and stress themselves out too much. The first few shows went smoothly and without a hitch, Dan and Arin were having fun staying in hotels and moving around a lot. They had already booked their hotels and travel in advance meaning they didn’t always share a hotel room in every city; although many of the cities’ hotels they were staying in had booked them into double bed rooms and they were always conveniently stuck with staying in them rather than any other band/crew member.

It was the night before NSP were due to perform, they had just come back to the hotel after finishing up on a Starbomb night. Dan and Arin were lying in bed, cuddling one another, discussing how great all the shows had been and how enthusiastic the fans all were about certain songs they performed together. The conversation turned deep resulting in them talking about where their relationship was going, or where they would like their relationship to go. Dan posed the first question about their future, “so... Where do you see us going?” truth is, he wanted to answer before Arin but he wanted Arin’s opinion before professing any undying love he had.

Arin rolled onto his side to face Dan, their noses practically touching as he moved, and looked him deep in the eyes before speaking. “I’d like us to be a couple but with NSP and Starbomb things going on, it might be too fast.” Arin could see the hope in Dan’s eyes die a little as he revealed his own fears. “I mean we’ve practically been in a relationship ever since we met each other, we’ve been inseparable; even when I was married to Suzy.” Arin laughed but then cringed at the mention of his ex-wife.

Dan smiled a hopeless smile and second Arin’s point, “it’s true, I guess we have been inseparable from the minute we became friends, I suppose I’ve never really thought of it that way.” Dan smiled wide for the first time during this dramatic conversation and continued his thought process, “I guess we don’t need the labels or anything, we’ve always had each other’s backs when it came down to it, and nothing has really changed between us; except the fact that we now have sex.” Dan laughed his machine gun laugh which slowly ended in a small giggle.  
Arin followed in Dan’s laughter, “you’re right! We don’t exactly need to tell anyone; although I think most of the grumps and NSP/Starbomb crew have guessed because we’ve shared a hotel room for almost every show we’ve done so far. So it doesn’t take a genius to put 2 and 2 together, really?” Arin continued his giggly laughter before continuing his train of thought, “The only people we’d really need to be weary of is the fans, or at least announce it to them before rumours start flying around which shouldn’t be a big deal right now, we’ve done nothing to make them sceptical... Yet.”

“True, but they’re smart, I think people will catch on a lot sooner than we’d expect to be honest.”

“We’ll just stress ourselves out if we think about it too much, if the fans do start to suspect then it’s not a big deal, right?”

“I guess you’re right, their speculations will be right so I guess we haven’t really got much to worry about... The backlash may be harsh but as long as I’ve got you big cat I’ll be fine.”  
“We’ll be fine,” Arin corrected, “now come on, let’s order some room service before we starve to death.” Arin rang up room service to order their food. He started by relaying Dan’s order then rattled off his own requests. As Arin was going down the menu, and ordering everything he could, Dan would every so often shout to order one for himself too.

Every time Dan shouted for the same thing, Arin would give him a look as if to ask ‘really?’ and Dan would just shrug to himself. It wasn’t like Dan to order as much food as Arin, especially extra food on top of his original order.

As he said his thanks and hung up the phone, Arin looked over quizzically as Dan who was just scrolling through his phone absentmindedly. “You don’t usually order that much food, you feeling alright?” He wasn’t overly concerned by the increase of food intake but ever since the tour started Arin had noticed he was eating a lot more than usual. Which makes a pleasant change because Arin always swore that Dan would get thinner after every tour he’d been on.

Dan shrugged once more, “I don’t know, I guess all of these shows are working up an appetite. I’m not complaining because at least it’s keeping my strength up for all of these shows we’re doing.” Dan wasn’t concerned either which was a good sign.

“Yeah, you’re right, I’d be more worried if you weren’t eating.”

They finished their meals and fell asleep while watching trashy TV.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? An actual update? Christ!  
> Apologies for taking 3 million years to update. Work has been hectic because it's the end of term so there's a lot of award nights and transition days and just all round busy...  
> Thanks for being patient!

The next night, Arin had accompanied Dan to the NSP gig to show his support, but mainly to enjoy the show from the side lines. In all honesty, Arin enjoyed the shows because he was able to witness Dan change from everyday Dan to ‘Danny Sexbang: the sex crazed alpha male’ which Arin found to be a slight turn on and amusing. Just watching this oversized puppy dog turn into the sex crazed lunatic, was enough to make Arin immediately fall in love with this adorable man.

Before this tour schedule, Arin had only ever seen dress rehearsals or videos of Dan performing as NSP and it had been a life-changing experience to witness the transformation happen in front of him. Watching his whole personality and characteristics change was a spiritual experience in Arin’s eyes.

The show was going great so far, the fans were just as enthusiastic as ever and the whole of NSP and TWRP felt the energy coming alive in the room. Although Dan felt a little off he still ploughed through his dance routines and costume changes without complaining or making a fuss.

That was until he started overheating. Dan doesn’t sweat, barely even breaks out in a flush but this time he was sickly warm. Usually on stage Dan feels warm, which is normal being on stage under hot lights and in such a crowded room, but he’s never felt a burning fever build up inside him. At least not since he was very young. Something was wrong. He knew something was wrong but wanted to get to the last song of the night, it was almost nearing the end of the show so he didn’t want to let the fans down.

However, his body had other ideas and before he could finish the song he began to feel lightheaded, the music rang in his ears and the lights blurred his vision. Dan collapsed on stage. Brian ran around his keyboard to get to Dan, just as Arin ran in from the side-lines to help prop Dan’s head up off the stage floor. The onsite paramedics rushed in not long after to help take Dan offstage without further trauma.

Arin had never seen Dan collapse so lifelessly before and it send shock through his system. Brian tried to pull Arin away so that the paramedics could assist with helping Dan off stage. “Arin, step aside, they need to get to him.” Brian pulled him up by his arm and kept a tight hold on him in case he too began to feel weak.

The noise of the crowd was overwhelming for Arin; he began to sway a little on his feet as he watched on as the paramedics escorted Dan towards fresh air. “Dan...” he all but whispered to himself.

“come on, let’s get you some air,” Brain coaxed Arin to follow his lead as he mimicked the paramedics’ moves and took Arin outside for fresh air. On his way out he motioned towards TWRP to deal with this situation, however they felt necessary.

Arin had begun hyperventilating, not really understanding what was going on. It couldn’t have been caused by lack of food because Lord knows he was eating plenty. Maybe it was just a fever? But what if it was serious? What if he can’t continue the shows? What if it’s life-threatening?

Brian could see Arin’s mind was overworked and he was going to drive himself insane. “Arin?” He lighted held a hand on top of his friend’s shoulder so he wouldn’t scare him but just enough to take him out of his own mind. “The ambulance is about to leave, do you want to travel with Dan, or do you want me to? If you’re not okay, it’s not a problem if you want me to go.” Brian smiled sympathetically at his beat down friend.

Arin ran a hand over his face, “I want to go, make sure he’s okay. I don’t know if you want to go back inside and address this with that lot in there?” Arin didn’t want that responsibility, he’d rather be by Dan’s side in case he woke and needed a familiar face for comfort.

A group of fans had ran out of the back exit to try and catch a glimpse of Dan or any of them to take photos and be the first to have the latest scoop. Brain rolled his eyes and motioned for Arin to quickly get in the ambulance before they were followed, “I’ve got this covered here, you go take care of your man.”

That little sentiment from Brian gave Arin all of the courage he needed to go with Dan. He couldn’t leave him, not in this state. They needed each other. Climbing into the back of the ambulance he immediately grabbed for Dan’s hand and began stroking along his fingers soothingly. Mainly so he could just focus his mind on Dan without spiralling out of control again.  
He began to smile to himself a little as his mind wandered to the past. He’d seen Dan in hospital many times over the years for minor operations or incidents, and not once did he feel as completely useless as he did right now. Seemed odd for him to be smiling but he knew in his heart that he truly loved Dan and that he couldn’t see his life without him.

He was definitely ready for their relationship to become exclusive, he was dumb to even entertain the idea of it being too soon. He kissed the back of Dan’s hand and held it against his forehead with his eyes closed for the remainder of the journey.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've split up the last chapter into two parts because the chapter was going to be far too long compared to the rest.  
> Sorry for the long as heck wait for these chapters, I literally don't have an excuse I just wasn't feeling this story for a while but I'm taking it into a new direction that I'm actually happy about so look forward to more updates real sooooooon.
> 
> Ps. I've reworked almost all of the last chapters so be sure to read/reread those before this one.  
> Thanks for being patient!

Next thing Dan knew, he was lying in a hospital bed with Arin clutching his hand with a face full of terror and exhaustion. Clearly he hadn’t slept the whole night worrying about Dan. “Hey sleepy head,” Arin tried to joke, “You had us all worried for a minute there, you’ve been unconscious for 12 hours straight, what you trying to do to me?” the lack of sleep was evident in Arin’s eyes as he could barely present any emotion other than relief.

Dan rubbed his eyes and a made a face as a question of what happened, but before he could ask the actual question Arin jumped straight into action. “Hey, don’t try and get up, you collapsed on stage before you finished ‘in your eyes’ and you were rushed here. You gave everyone a scare because you fell pretty hard, luckily you haven’t broken anything, just got a few bruises and scrapes. They ran some tests while you were unconscious, took some blood but they’ll need a urine sample now that you’re awake.” Arin yawned and stretched a little before continuing, “They haven’t come back with any results yet but I’ve alerted the nurses that you’re awake so they should be here soon to check on you.” Arin yawned once again and rubbed at his sleepy eyes.

how long’ve you been here with me? If I’ve been out cold for 12 hours, surely you haven’t been here the whole time? You finished the show right? How did the fans react? Oh god what happened-?” Before Dan could finish his frantic panicking, Arin lightly shushed him and gently coaxed him to lie back down.

“It’s okay, Brian handled everything. You need to rest otherwise you’ll hurt yourself. And yeah I’ve been here the whole 12 hours, been sleeping on and off but just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He felt a little sheepish admitting he had stayed by Dan’s side the whole night.

Dan smiled and stroked Arin’s hand, which was still being held, “you didn’t have to stay, I probably wasn’t much fun to talk to...” He laughed trying to lighten the mood and take their minds away from the dark places that were forming.

During their giggling a nurse entered their hospital room with a smile on her face, which was odd considering Dan had been unconscious for the past 12 hours. “Mr. Avidan, good to see you’re awake and full of life. You’ve got an incredible boyfriend here, never left your side once not even to eat or sleep.” They both shot a look at each other at the ‘boyfriend’ mention, but they didn’t protest.

Dan smiled once again, “yeah I am lucky to have him.”

Before Arin could respond or make a comment of his own, the nurse informed them of some results they had found, “you had a pretty high temperature when they brought you in which was highly worrying, but it didn’t take us long to have your temperature back to normal.” She flipped through her charts as he scanned her eyes over all of the test results.

Both Dan and Arin were looking at her waiting for the punchline, “though, we have found an irregularity in your blood work,” she continued quickly as she saw the two men shift a little, “nothing serious or something you need to worry about, but we do need to take a urine sample to determine these results.” She handed Dan a small cup and lead him slowly to the en-suite bathroom to do the sample.

The sample was taken by the nurse and she headed off to run further tests which left Arin and Dan to let their heads roam wild with possibilities of what could be wrong. “What if it’s something really bad, what if I’m going to die?” Dan started hyperventilating a little but was softly shushed by Arin climbing onto the bed next to him who then pulled him into a tight hug, resting Dan’s head on his chest and allowed his steady breathing to calm Dan down a little.

Arin soothed Dan by rubbing his back gently coaxing him to take deep and long breaths. “Hey, look at me,” Arin gently raised Dan’s chin to look him in the eye’s, “everything is going to be okay, you’re the healthiest person I know- healthier than me at least. Nothing is going to come of those results, I promise you. If, and I mean if, something does come back, we’ll deal with it because you’re strong and you’ve got me and the whole grump team by your side for support, okay?” Dan allowed himself to believe Arin’s words, he trusted him with his life and he needed to hear Arin’s reassurance. “Besides, she even said it’s nothing to worry about.”

Dan nodded his head in acceptance, he was truly terrified by what was awaiting him when the nurse inevitably returned with bad news. To stop his mind from racing Dan tried to change the subject and create a happier atmosphere, “she thought you were my boyfriend,” he started giggling his cute little machine gun laugh.

Arin laughed alongside him but slowly calmed down, “yeah that definitely took me off-guard too, but not 100% inaccurate, right?” Arin felt content as he awaited Dan’s response. They’d mentioned dating before but they had decided to keep things under wraps while the tour was going on to prevent drama or unwanted publicity.  
Dan closed his eyes and leant further into Arin, making himself comfortable, “yeah, I guess you’re right, it was nice hearing it out loud from someone else, y’know?” He felt content just lying there.

“Yeah, I know.” Arin agreed, then swiftly changed the tone of the conversation, “you really scared me last night. I thought I was going to lose you.”

Dan lifted his head off Arin’s chest to look up at him, “I’m sorry.”

Arin gently shushed him again, “What are you sorry for? You couldn’t have prevented a fever. Which I’m 100% certain it only was.”

“I honestly don’t know; I just feel like I’ve ruined that show last night... I know I can’t help feeling ill but there were a lot of people there last night to see us and I ruined their experience.”

“You didn’t ruin anything, you just said it yourself. You can’t help it if you fall ill. I’m sure the fans understand.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right, I don’t even want to look at twitter or anything. I just know there will be awful comments.”

“let’s not think about that just now, focus on the results before anything else.”  
“You’re right.” Dan settled his head back down on Arin’s chest as he slowly calmed his breathing and they lay there silently awaiting the results.

About an hour later the same nurse, who took the sample, came bounding into their room with a full-blown grin on her face looking like a Cheshire cat. Both Arin and Dan leant forward in anticipation, “congratulations, Mr. Avidan...” Dan’s mind immediately zoned out of the conversation and started racing. ‘Congrats? I’m not dying? CONGRATS?’ Dan went into a spiral and didn’t really hear the rest of the conversation until, “... you’re about 10 weeks pregnant!” were the words Dan came back to.

“Pregnant?!” Dan exclaimed without fully being aware... Dan’s head was racing again, continuing the conversation in his head, ‘no, no, this can’t be happening, not again, please no!’

The nurse could clearly see the two men were in shock and gave her congratulations once again before calming herself down. “We’ll need you to make an appointment with your main doctor when you get home. I am aware that you’re on kind of tour right now, but you really need to take it easy.” Dan was visibly petrified while Arin was completely awestruck by the revelation.

Dan simply nodded his head in acceptance and understanding before the nurse continued, “we can give you the vitamins you need right now but you will need to fill out a repeat prescription with your local doctor once you’re home. Congratulations again.” She left them with a discharge form and left the room.

Arin’s head was now the one spinning, he’d dreamt of this moment for so long but never once did he imagine it being with Dan, even after the deal, it still didn’t feel real. “How can you be pregnant? We always use protection, except that time at the convention but you weren’t in heat then.” Arin couldn’t quite wrap his head around the concept, clearly he wasn’t very educated in Omega anatomy and how everything works, other than heats and birth control. 

Dan stared blankly at Arin, he didn’t quite know what to feel right now, and he didn’t know whether to cry of happiness or shrivel up into a ball and cry for the unknown. “Arin... Omega’s can get pregnant at any time, especially if they didn’t use any contraception like we didn’t, it is most common for Omega’s to get pregnant when in heat but it isn’t always the case.” Dan’s head felt as if it was going to implode, he had so many emotions, so many thoughts racing in his mind, couldn’t tell if he was happy, scared or both.

“Yeah, well I didn’t know that,” Arin said pointedly.

Dan rolled his eyes at Arin’s uneducated ass, “clearly...”

Arin felt uneasy about the lack of emotion Dan was expressing. Was he happy, sad or angry? He couldn’t read him at all which was very unnerving, “so what do we do now? Are you happy about it or...?” Arin was too scared about the ‘or’ aspect of the question but he had to ask just in case there were any doubts in Dan’s mind.

Dan scrubbed a hand gently over his face and sighed exasperated, “I don’t know, man. I mean I’m happy to know I’m not dying. But 10 weeks, how did I not know for 10 weeks? I noticed I’d put a little weight on but I thought that was just from all the shitty food we’ve been eating between shows.” He shook his head as he looked down at his little pouch of fat on his stomach. “I guess I’ve always liked the concept of kids but I’m not exactly done with the Ninja Sex Party and Starbomb stuff yet.”

Dan didn’t really know why he was trying to make their bands an excuse to not have the baby but he was terrified, and Arin appeared to be very tense about where Dan was going with his logic. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say, I’m not gonna terminate if that’s what you’re worried about, I’m just gonna have to grow up a little faster than I’d anticipated, y’know?” Dan appeared to be upset about giving up on his dreams to start a family, but in the back of his head he knew full well that he’d never forgive himself for denying Arin the chance to have a family.

Arin gave Dan a comforting smile as he spoke, “I know it’s gonna be scary, but we can make it work, you can still do the rest of the NSP and starbomb tour dates, you’re only 10 weeks along and you’re not showing at all, there’s only 2 weeks left of the tours... You’ll only be three months along by then and we’ll be home before you know it” Arin was trying so hard to convince Dan not to make any hasty decisions they might regret later on. Dan knew in his heart that they were making the right decision.

Still unsure about the situation, he began voicing another concern “I just don’t know if I can go through this y’know? Like I’m almost 40 and the risks are heightened, I already had to go through it- I mean I couldn’t, I didn’t...” Panic began to build up in his chest, leaving him a rambling, hyperventilating mess. “I already lost- I can’t.”

None of his ramblings were making much sense to Arin, who was sat clueless at what was happening; everything was very cryptic. All he could do was pull the hysterical Dan into a comforting hug and just rock him back and forth while softly soothing his hair. He didn’t want to press the conversation further so he stayed quiet and let Dan continue to spill little bits of nonsensical information and sob quietly.


	7. Chapter 7

A week later, Dan still wasn’t coping very well with the revelation. Although he was struggling he tried to keep up a happy façade in front of the fans, Arin and the rest of the crew; just to keep the peace. But in reality Dan was completely broken, he was terrified and he didn’t know how much longer he could keep the mask on. Every night he’d call Suzy for comfort and reassurance.

Dan and Arin had announced the pregnancy to the rest of the grumps and the TWRP crew a few days after the hospital visit. They decided to tell them sooner rather than later because they didn’t want to keep anything from their close friends and work mates. Suzy had rung Dan straight away to congratulate him personally and referred to them as ‘pregnancy buddies’, she was so happy she could share the experience with a close friend.

Unfortunately, the situation wasn’t as happy as Suzy hoped it to be. She quickly learned that Dan was terrified of what was happening to him, he felt alone in this situation because Arin didn’t know everything. Suzy became a crutch for Dan to lean on and to confide in in times of terror. She was able to deflect situations, and ease Dan’s worries about what was ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ during the first trimester.  
He dreaded talking to Arin about his worries about the pregnancy because he could see how happy he was all of the time. Arin had a new spring in his step since the announcement, he found that every time either one of them told someone new, Arin’s mood would lift immediately. That’s why Dan chose Suzy as a shoulder to cry on.

During a particularly rough night, Dan called Suzy from their tour bus’s bedroom. The tour bus was only really used to travel between states, and the odd occasion used as their hotel. They found it easier than trying to find a hotel close enough to the venue and big enough to fit the whole crew.

The panic attacks were starting to become a frequent occurrence which was scaring Dan a lot because his body was already in distress without the added mental health issues on top. Venting to Suzy was the only thing that helped calm his nerves; she seemed to know exactly what he needed to hear every time they spoke. It was comforting but he knew Arin would be broken if he found out he was letting Suzy take his place.

“Hey Dan, how is everything going? The tour going alright?” Suzy liked to start the conversations off lightly and steer clear of any topics that may cause more harm than good. She rarely ever started off a conversation by asking about the baby because those conversations always ended in Dan hyperventilating and panicking.

Dan wiped a tear from his cheek with the sleeve of his jacket, clearing his throat he replied with a fake calmness in his voice, “hey Suze, everything’s okay, tour is going great. We’re almost finished so we’ll be home soon.” Everything wasn’t fine, his emotions were all over the place, the hormones were causing him to feel hot one minute and freezing cold the next. He constantly had a migraine and everything he ate immediately came back up. So everything was not fine.

Suzy showcased a small, sad smile as she spoke, “you sure everything’s alright? You don’t sound any more cheerful than usual... Talk it out if you want to, that’s what I’m here for.” Dan was grateful that he had a friend he could rely on and talk to at all hours of the day/night.

Dan sighed and curled up on himself as he lay on the double bed, “nothing is ever right, Suze, and I don’t want every phone call we have to be centred around the negativity, y’know? So let’s talk about something less depressing, what’s new with you? How’d your ultrasound go the other day?” Dan liked hearing about Suzy’s pregnancy, it helped him take the focus off himself for a while.

The conversations rarely focused on Suzy’s pregnancy, mainly because she didn’t like to talk about how well everything was going; especially since Dan was having such a rough time coping with his own. “We don’t have to talk about that right now...” Dan made a slight uncomfortable noise indicating he didn’t want to talk about himself just now. “Okay, well it went pretty great! He moved a lot, mustn’t have liked all the poking and prodding while he was sleeping.” They both laughed at the thought. Dan hadn’t laughed a genuine laugh in weeks.

The sudden outburst of laughter spiked Arin’s curiosity as he hadn’t heard Dan laugh and giggle as he had just then. Walking over to the door he stopped in his tracks as Dan began to speak once again. “Thanks Suze, I haven’t giggled that genuinely in a while and it actually felt good to feel some kind of joy.” As Arin heard those words he felt as if a knife had stabbed him in the gut.

As far as he knew Dan was happy about the baby and was coping well, they talked about the baby all the time. Arin sat on the floor with his shoulder pressed up against the tour busses’ bedroom door listening to the rest of the conversation.  
Dan continued his conversation unaware of Arin’s presence, “it’s just difficult, seeing Arin so happy on a daily basis, and hearing him talking about the baby so fondly. He doesn’t know everything... I know, I know. He needs to know; I’m just scared he might do the exact same thing him- if I lose it...” There was a pause on Dan’s end as he heard Dan’s voice start to break. He’d began to cry. It took all of Arin’s strength not to run in there and pull him into a tight hug. The conversation continued, “I know Arin is different to him, I’m just scared that it was an Alpha thing and not a personal thing... It’s stupid, but he’s so excited and I don’t know if I could cope losing another.”

Arin didn’t know exactly what they were talking about but it sounded serious and heart-breaking. He assumed he was talking about losing another mate or significant other, just as he lost Suzy. But instead of running in there and exposing his eavesdropping, he decided to wait it out and allow Dan to talk to him when he felt comfortable enough. That didn’t stop the hurt he was feeling, he felt betrayed by Dan for running to his ex-wife for a shoulder rather than himself.

The conversation in the bedroom continued, “I know I shouldn’t keep him in the dark, I’m just scared, y’know?”

“... And that’s understandable especially after everything you went through, I can’t even imagine losing a child and then immediately losing your mate after blaming you for everything. Which totally wasn’t your fault by the way!”

“In my heart I know you’re right, but my head still can’t process that. Those words still affect me to this day and I can’t shake the feeling that might happen again.”  
“Arin’s a good guy and I highly doubt he’d hurt you that way, you just need to talk it out with him and voice your emotions. You don’t necessarily have to go into full detail about everything but at least let him know the key points.”

“That makes sense. Thanks, Suze! I better get back; they’ll be wondering where I’ve got to. See you soon.”

Arin heard the room go silent indicating that Dan had hung up the phone and was getting ready get back to the rest of the group. Everyone was sat in the living space making food and chatting, chilling and stocking up at the rest stop before heading back out on the road. Arin immediately stood up from the doorway and headed back to the group.

Dan’s light footsteps could be heard moving from the bedroom indicating he was heading to join the group. “We still at this rest stop? Or is this a different one?” Dan rubbed his eyes and yawned, pretending he’d just had a quick nap.

“No, we’re at the next one, we needed more food stocked up before we head off again. Have a nice nap?” Brian questioned, with a fond smile on his face. He wasn’t aware that Dan was struggling either, just assumed all was good and that his friend was taking good care of himself.

Dan rubbed his eyes again and stretched out his back, “yeah I feel refreshed now, thanks.”

Arin noticed Dan had joined the group, and overheard him telling his little white lies. He wanted to call him out for talking to Suzy but knew that if he did it would just cause a giant argument that he didn’t have the energy for.

So instead he just pulled him into a small hug and let his fears drift away, because Dan clearly needed his alone time and Suzy was helping him with his built up emotions. When the time comes, he’s sure that Dan will inform him of the secrets he’s been keeping. But for now he was content with how things were going.


	8. Chapter 8

It was the night before the final tour date for Starbomb and Arin hadn’t brought up the phone call situation, just carried on as normal and patiently waited for Dan to come around to talking. It broke his heart whenever the baby was brought up in conversation because he could see the slight hint of sadness in Dan’s eyes as he spoke. He wanted to constantly reassure him that he wasn’t going anywhere, whatever happens, he was never going to leave for any reason; but that would out him as an eavesdropper and that would anger Dan.

Dan and Arin were sat in their hotel room, eating a mountain of food they’d ordered from room service, and talking. “So do we tell the fans about the pregnancy? We’ve already told the rest of the grumps, and we had to tell the tour crew, so the fans...?” Arin really wanted the end of this tour to be as memorable and special as possible just in case it was there last for a number of years, or ever.

Dan pondered the question, he wasn’t exactly ready to tell the fans; he wasn’t even 100% sure he wanted to tell the grumps and TWRP so soon, but that had to happen otherwise they’d be speculating. Telling the fans would make it real, and if God forbid anything did happen they would have to go through that publicly.

Dan paused thoughtfully before answering, “I mean if you want, but they’ll have questions about who the father is and then we’ll have to come out with our relationship too, two announcements in one. I guess that way it is two birds with one stone, eh sure.” Within the space of a minute, Dan went from sceptical to literally talking himself into the idea.

Since the abrupt collapse on stage, the fans had all been a little on edge whenever Dan was performing because no information had been released, other than Dan had a severe fever and was now seemingly fine after the whole incident. Many of the fans shouted questions at Dan during the shows and he always avoided the questions when talking to the crowds.

“It just makes sense to do it now, y’know. Make this whole experience a one to remember.” Arin smiled fondly at the thought of announcing to practically the whole world that he and Dan were now together and were going to be parents.

Dan hesitated a little, which was picked up by Arin, “I’m just a little worried, what if we announce everything and then something bad happens...” Arin looked at him quizzically, “I’m not saying there definitely will be but there is a small chance. I’m not even 3 months yet and we’re already announcing it to everyone, I’m not out of the ‘safe zone’ yet.” Dan sighed and lightly scrubbed a hand through his stubble.

Arin pulled him into a small hug, “nothing is going to happen, you’re as healthy as ever and that’s all that matters. Okay?”

“But you can’t be 100% sure that everything _will_ be okay.”

“If- if something was to go wrong, with the baby or you, then we’ll deal with it. I promise.”

“Okay, I guess I’m only a couple days away from 3 months. Yeah sure we can announce it.” Dan felt Arin immediately light up beside him, full of joy.

They didn’t want to announce anything until the end of tour in case they worried the fans too much. They also didn’t want to announce it in the middle of tour because they’d have to announce it at every show afterwards.

So they decided to make the big announcement at the end of their last two shows. One at the Starbomb tour and one at the Ninja Sex Party tour to allow all of the fans to spread it across Twitter, Tumblr and any other social media site possible without spoiling other fans who were going to attend the shows after them.

The next night they were on stage after their last song, they both thanked the fans for coming out that night to show their support and enthusiasm for the songs. They were both beaming and pumped full of adrenaline both from the energy in the room and from the anticipation.

Arin beamed proudly “before we let you all get back to your normal lives, Dan and I have a short announcement to make; two announcements actually.” He could feel the room go deadly silent in anticipation; he could hear girls whispering in the front row about ‘coming out’ and ‘I knew it’ he simply winked at the two girls and one of them almost fainted. “Some rumours have been circling and I just want to stand here and tell you that they’re true... I do love Wendy’s...” The room filled with laughter which made Arin grin like a fool.

Dan gently pushed Arin’s arm to get him out of the way and took the limelight for a minute. “Even though Arin is right, and he does love Wendy’s, I don’t think that’s much of a surprise to anyone.” The room laughed along with Dan at his witty remark.

Arin mocked a hurt look on his, but then turned soft and smirked as he knew it to be true.

Dan continued once the room quieted a little, “but no, in all seriousness, the rumours are true and the photo’s circulating the internet aren’t photo-shopped.” Arin grabbed his hand to provide comfort for the next statement. “Yes, the two of us have been dating for last couple of months... And we weren’t exactly planning on announcing that so soon but a little _bump_ in the road occurred...”

As he said the word bump, Dan rubbed a light hand over his stomach to emphasis his point. The room fell silent for a brief moment as he watched all of the faces in the crowd process all of the information bombarded at them.

Everyone ranged from shock to confusion, then the whole room erupted into ‘wooing’, whistles and cheering. Dan blushed as he continued the announcement “I’m almost 12 weeks pregnant and it feels so surreal.” Arin pulled Dan into a hug which sent the fans into spiral of cheers and cries.

Flashes of cameras and screaming fans, attacked their senses leaving them completely in awe of their lives. They never dreamed they’d be standing on stage announcing their relationship, never mind their expanding family.

As the two of them were hugging it out on stage, Ninja Brian of course had to ruin the moment by playing a very unsettling tune on his keyboard. Resulting in cheers and laughter from the crowd and giggle emerge from the two men.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small trigger warning for this chapter:  
> There is heavy reference to a miscarriage, but it is non-graphic and not described in huge amounts of detail but it is heavily implied.  
> So please just be aware of that when reading this chapter and any chapter following this because it will be referenced throughout the rest of the story.  
> Also huge thank you to everyone who have left me lovely comments, it's what fuels me to write more chapters and helps motivate me when I'm feeling low!

The next night was the final show of the Ninja Sex Party tour, Starbomb had already ended the night before in spectacular fashion as always, which left Dan feeling a little jittery and excited. At the same time, he felt a little unwell. It had started the night before as he and Arin were going on stage he felt a little off but pushed through the uncomfortableness because wanted it to be special with their announcements and everything.

The cramps and nausea seemed to have subsided for now although he still felt a little queasy but he knew he had to go on stage and make it a special night for everyone who attends. Considering it was definitely going to be Ninja Sex Party’s last show for a very long time, and didn’t want to mess up anyone’s experience.

Before the show, Arin reassured Dan that the night was going to go smoothly and after the show he’d take him to the doctors to assess him if he was still unwell. That little bit of knowledge gave him comfort and allowed him to go on with the show.

However, halfway through the show Arin noticed that Dan wasn’t fully focused on his dance routines and he kept making a face as he moved. He also noticed that Dan was constantly alternating between resting a hand on his stomach and on the bottom of his back. He was trying to catch Dan’s eye to tell him to take it easy but Dan was far too focused on the audience and making sure that they were having a good time.

During one of the songs, Dan felt a sharp pain travel from his lower back round to his stomach leaving him a little winded, but he continued on with the show as if nothing had happened. He simply played it off as a small change to the songs tempo.

During the short interval, Dan sat on the backstage sofa and dug his knuckles into the small of his back trying to relieve some pressure. Arin plopped down beside him, and took over as he began to massage the bottom of his back. “How’re you holding up out there?”

Dan leant into his touch as he responded, “not gonna lie, I’m uncomfortable and having shocks of pain through my back.”

“You really need to take it easy. Want to quickly call your doctor? I’m sure they can wait an extra five minutes.”

“No, I don’t want them waiting, once I get this over with we can head straight to the doctors or the emergency room if this pain persists any longer.”

“Only if you’re sure, I don’t want you pulling a muscle or passing out on me again. Want me to come on stage with you, I can be an unannounced special guest?”

“If you want, but you don’t have your outfit?”

“All of the gear from last night is still here, I’m sure wardrobe will be here too. Give me two seconds...” Arin ran off to find his costume from the night before, leaving Dan to massage his own back once again.

Arin arrived back not even ten minutes later, in full costume and raring to go perform with his love. In all honesty he wanted to be out there one more time because neither of them knew when they’d get this chance again. Dan understood his want and allowed him to fulfil it one more time.

Dan went to inform ninja Brian and the rest of the crew of the slight change up in the next half of the show. Of course, the show was pretty easy to tweak here and there, considering the two shows were very similar anyway.

The whole crew took their places behind the large show curtain. Dan and Arin walked out hand-in-hand, giving each other’s hands a little squeeze of reassurance before letting go and taking their marks.

All the lights went off; the curtain slowly rose up. A spotlight beamed on Dan; the crowd went wild. The second spotlight beamed over Arin. The crowd fell silent in shock then erupted in roars of cheers as the band began to play “I choose you to die” loudly.

The mix of both Starbomb and Ninja Sex Party songs, made the whole ordeal a little less stressful for Dan as he wasn’t the soul focus of the show. It allowed him to take little breathers and rest a little between the heavier songs.

During a particularly bouncy song, which usually required Dan to be very active and dance the whole time, he felt another sharp pain through his abdomen. He became winded once again but this time he couldn’t play it off as a song change and carry on with his singing. He physically couldn’t stand as the pain persisted and lingered a little.

He fell to his knees in a dramatic slow-motion manner and clutched at his stomach as the pain became too intense for him to continue standing. The crowd slowly quieted as panic began to show on their faces due to the sudden fall.

Ninja Brian immediately stopped playing his part on the piano and ran over towards Dan, who was writhing in pain on the stage floor. Arin just stood completely frozen to the floor, his mind racing 100 miles per hour. Eventually he pulled himself out of his trance and followed Brian’s earlier moves.

As Arin fell to his knees, the Deja Vu set in and he started to relive the same night a couple of weeks prior to this. Arin cradled Dan’s head in his arms trying to provide as much comfort as he could without causing any further distress to Dan. He tried to manoeuvre Dan’s head so that he could rest it on his lap to keep him talking and awake. While also trying to make him feel safe by lightly stroking his wild hair and talking to him as calm as he possibly could, given the circumstances.

Dan kept groaning and holding his stomach as the pains kept intensifying every so often. “It feels like labour...” Dan scrunched his face up in pain and huddled up into a ball in a protective manner. “Shit...” Dan tried to roll onto his side to scrunch up further into a ball but Arin wanted him to stay on his back so that he could keep an eye on his face to keep his attention focused.

Arin didn’t really know how Dan knew what labour felt like, but he was too scared to ask. Before he could think any more on the matter, Dan began mumbling to himself. ‘It’s gone... I know it... I feel it... Again...’ Although Arin couldn’t quite make out what he was mumbling, he knew it wasn’t good. The incoherent mumbling started to become more frantic as the pains worsened.

As they sat there on the stage floor in a world of their own, a flash caught Arin’s attention and brought him back to reality. They weren’t on their own, they were on a stage in front of hundreds of thousands of fans who all had their phones out to catch a glimpse of what was happening in front of them.

Arin spun his head around to try and address the audience, to stop them from taking photos or videos of the current event to preserve their privacy. However, it was too late as flashes were going off at all corners of the venue. Arin almost stood up to shout at the audience when Brian patted his shoulder and told him he’d take care of it.

Usually Brian isn’t very vocal on stage and only provides comedy when he does. However, this time it was to be stern and provide an authoritive voice. “Please respect Dan and Arin’s privacy at this difficult time. Please no photos or videos. Please start to make your way out of the building. We all apologise for the inconvenience, but Dan and Arin need your cooperation at this moment.” Brian waved a hand at the crowd and ran back over to where Arin had Dan cradled in his arms.

A voice called out from the side of the stage, followed by a paramedic rushing onto the stage. He calmly instructed Arin on what to do next, “we need to get him off stage as quickly and as safely as possible!” The curtains were dropped to indicate the end of the show, as well as to allow them some privacy while they tried to get Dan safely off the stage.

“Can you walk?” Arin asked, completely and utterly terrified about not knowing exactly what was happening or what was causing Dan’s pains. Dan shook his head a little and Arin knew he had to jump straight into action and help him off the stage.

Ninja Brian and the rest of the crew ran down from their positions and helped to gently lift Dan off of the floor and into a wheelchair that had been provided by the stage hens. An ambulance had been called and was on its way.

When Dan was place into the wheelchair, he immediately curled in on himself and tried to tuck his knees up as close to his chest as possible. The pain was too much for him to handle and began to sob uncontrollably into his weak knees. Thoughts ran through his head and he knew it was already too late. The mourning process had already kicked in.

Dan was transferred from the wheelchair to the ambulance. Arin helped to guide him slowly into the back of the ambulance before wheeling the wheelchair back inside. He noticed a small patch of blood left behind on the seat, as Dan had stood up which made him completely freak out and his head went into a spin. “There’s blood!” He exclaimed without any prior thought for Dan’s reaction.

Luckily, Dan was too far gone in a world of his own to register that Arin had even said anything. Let alone exclaimed and all but confirmed his worst fears. He lay in the back of the ambulance in a trance-like state just mumbling to himself.

Arin climbed into the ambulance to sit and hold Dan’s hand as they both simultaneously freaked out together about what was waiting for them when they arrived at the hospital. This all felt too familiar to Arin, sat in the back of an ambulance unsure of what lay ahead of them once again.

Was the baby okay? Were they losing the baby? What was happening? Arins heads raced but they never spoke a word the whole way to the hospital, Dan already knew it was too late, neither one of them wanted to admit it because it was too morbid, too painstaking. They didn’t want to believe it. But Dan knew his pains definitely weren’t a good sign.

Dan was made a fuss of all night, he never had a moment of peace to come to terms with what was happening. He just wanted a minute to himself but there was a different nurse every hour checking his vitals, doctors and other professionals checking in on him at all hours but all he really wanted was alone time.

The thought of losing a child that Arin was so happy and content with made him want to run away. Run away from reality and relive the happy moments from just the night before, announcing the pregnancy and relationship to the fans. That was all ruined, all tarnished by current events.

He worried about this happening, worried that his body might not be able to handle a pregnancy at his age. He knew he should have been more careful, even after he explained these fears to Arin and them both being aware of the risks and possible heartbreaks. They still didn’t use any kind of protection that one night. Now here he was in agony, lying in a hospital bed just awaiting the heart-breaking news he knew was coming.


	10. Chapter 10

The baby was gone.

Dan awoke the next morning, drained and lifeless. Arin was asleep in the chair next to him completely broken. It was a definite contrast to the morning before as they’d awoken in each other arms, Arin had an arm draped around Dan’s middle feeling the tiny swell of a forming bump. All taken away in the space of a mere 24 hours.

Dan sent out a tweet with his apologies and regrets of how the night turned out. He sent out a follow up tweet with a screenshot of a long message he’d typed out in his notes, explaining the announcement, addressing the situation and the events that had happened in the last 24 hours. He had to inform the grumps and have to deal with their pity looks and constant questions about his mental health, he didn’t want to go back home.

Dan had been kept in overnight so that the nurses could keep an eye on his vitals and ensure that he doesn’t decline overnight. He was discharged on the Monday morning and free to head home after a roller coaster that were the past two months of his life.

Arin and Dan headed to their tour bus which had a bedroom in the back of it to allow Dan to stay rested and not be disturbed during the long drives. Arin joined him in the room and left him be whenever he needed his space.

It was difficult for the both of them to come to terms with what had happened, they had only known about the baby for 2 weeks yet they felt as though their whole livelihood had changed and shifted into a different direction.

The whole trip home they never once mentioned the elephant in the room or even made a reference to the events. Dan was mainly too afraid to speak about it because he’d kept pretty emotionless throughout the whole journey and he feared that if he even thought about it, he’d breakdown and never recover.

It was just easier for him to have no feeling at all than to deal with it all at once. They were both fearful for their relationship, where do they go from an event like this? These events can make or break a relationship and they both feared the latter.

They feared their relationship was burning down slowly, they barely talked about anything but they did try to put brave faces on while they made game grump episodes which were very far and few between. They never looked at the comment section or even checked twitter because every comment/tweet/message was a reminder of the life they lost. Condolences and apologies were nice and everything but they were causing more harm than good.

Dan would hide away from Arin in between every grumps session, only resurfacing when he had to make videos or to discuss business. The rest of the grumps were becoming increasingly worried over Dan’s behaviour and lack of emotions.

During a particularly rough day, Dan spent the whole day sat in the small living area, curled up on himself and wrapped into numerous blankets. No-one dared to join him, felt it best to leave him be while he was going through the motions. It was best to leave him alone during this rough patch because he was prone to snapping at the people he loved the most, his way of releasing built up emotions.

The day turned to night, the only ones left in the grump space was Dan, Barry, Matt and Ryan. Matt and Ryan working on their own SuperMega stuff in a separate room, while was Barry hard at work editing the next ‘best of’. Dan, however, was still in his usual spot, curled up on the sofa.

Barry left him to it, assumed he’d fallen asleep by now, since it was almost 2am. Just before heading home he decided to check on Dan just in case. Barry quietly tapped on the wall to indicate his presence. “Hey, Dan, you awake?”

Dan jumped a little, startled by the sudden presence, making Barry feel bad for waking him or scaring him. “Sorry didn’t mean to wake you, just wanted to check you’re okay. It’s late, you not going home?”

Rubbing his eyes of sleep, Dan stretched, “what time is it?” He yawned as he continued stretching.

“Almost 2.”

“Shit.” Dan whispered to himself, “didn’t realise it was so late, you probably want to lock up. I’ll head off with you.”

“If you want to stay here I can leave you the keys?”

“No, I should really get home. Like you said, it’s late.”

Barry’s face dropped into a sad smile as he watched Dan get off the sofa looking defeated and exhausted. “I know you’re probably sick of hearing this but are you okay?”

Dan froze a little at the repetitiveness and cringed. He wanted to say his usual spiel of how totally okay he is and that he just needs rest after the exhausting month he’s had on tour. But he knew he couldn’t hide it from Barry, they were roommates after all.

Barry had heard the 3am cries, seen how little he was eating and the very little self-care he was carrying out. Dan’s hair was shaggier than usual, his stubble had grown long and he was thinner than usual. Of course everyone was worried about him.

Dan fell back down on the sofa as he began to release his emotions, “Barry I- I feel lost. I’m losing Arin, I can feel it. I’m losing myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I see Arin every day and it brings everything back when I see him. I don’t want to lose him.” He began to quietly sob to himself.

Barry came through to join him on the sofa and pulled him into a small hug. “You need to talk to him, he’s going through the exact same feelings and emotions as you right now. Only difference is, he’s talking it out with the people he loves, while you’re bottling it all up until it’s going to explode one day in a way that may hurt someone.”

“What if Arin hates me and leaves me?”

“Are you joking? He loves you, it’s taken him two years to build up the courage to tell you how he feels. Even if you _were_ both drunk,” Barry managed a small laugh from Dan. “And you- well I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re falling in love with someone. If it’s taken you both this long to do something about those feelings, I can guarantee you this is worth fighting for. And Arin sure as hell isn’t going to give up that easy.”

“Thanks, Barry.”

They hugged it out and Barry drove them both home, back to their apartment. Dan still wasn’t 100% himself, but he knew it couldn’t get any worse than rock bottom.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had two weeks off work over the Christmas/holiday period so I wasn't as a computer and didn't have time to finalise any chapters or work on upcoming ones. The next few chapters aren't gonna be up as quickly as previous ones.  
> BUT I will try to get my mojo back and get myself back into the routine of writing before all of my inspiration and motivation goes out the window. So before my mind latches onto a new idea for a new story, (not even gonna lie as I wrote this my mind immediately thought of a new idea either for this story or the next... We shall seeeee), I will try my hardest to make this story a priority and my main focus.

A month later and Dan and Arin were just beginning to go back to normal, or as normal as they could be considering... The two of them hadn’t fully addressed the situation or even sat down and talked extensively about their feelings or how the whole situation had affected them. They simply tried their hardest to forget the whole ordeal and return back to reality, which was easier said than done.

They had just finished a rare episode of game grumps when Dan sighed heavily as he was looking back over the tour photos and videos, one of the videos was of their rendition of ‘I wish’. He started to sing quietly to himself, completely zoned out from everything else. “Looking back on when I was a little moppy headed boy” he tapped the drum beat on his knees as he continued to hum and softly sing, “I wish those days could come back once more, why did those days ever have to go? I wish those days could come back once more, why did those days ever have to go? ‘Cause I love them so?”

He trailed off, lost in the song and the rhythm of his foot and knee tapping. Bobbing his head along to the music he got lost in his own thoughts. “Y’know what, I _do_ wish those days could come back once more...” Dan said out loud to no-one in particular, “when we were best friends, before all the drama, before the ba- you get it...”

Dan shut off his phone and drifted away out of the room, as he locked himself in the bathroom Arin could hear him trying to silently cry which made him miserable. He hated seeing Dan so depressed but he couldn’t do anything to help, he felt the exact same way and he could barely help himself never mind Dan.

Arin made his way over to the bathroom and lightly knocked on the door letting Dan know that he was there for him when he needed to talk. “Please, just leave me alone, I need some time,” Dan continued his light sobbing, “I’ll come out when I’m ready. Please.” Dan clearly wanted to be left alone but Arin was worried, that’s all Dan seemed to do at the minute, lock himself away and shut himself off from the rest of the world.

Arin wanted to leave him, wanted him to recover in his own time but he was worried about his mental health, all of this isolation wasn’t good for Dan, for anyone. He lightly knocked once again, “Dan, please can we talk? Clearly you don’t want to so I’m going to talk if that’s okay?” Arin was met with silence but he continued anyway, “I’m worried about you! You barely eat, rarely sleep, you’re always ‘working late’ and it’s not healthy. I want to help you but I feel so shut off and I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. You’re always on edge, I haven’t seen you smile in weeks, you smile and laugh during game grumps but they’re empty emotions, I see the hurt in your eyes; the pain, but you need to talk! I can’t help you if you aren’t willing to help yourself, I want to help you; we all want to help you but you’re not exactly making it easy for us.”

Arin went to get up and leave but decided to give Dan a little insight into how he was feeling about the whole ordeal. “You think I’m all fine and dandy? Because let me tell you, I’m falling apart, man. I feel like my whole world has crumbled away, I feel like I’ve lost everything, the baby, my best friend, and my partner. You won’t even look at me some days and here we are sitting on opposite sides of a door making little to no communication. I don’t know how long I can keep this brave face on, you’ve always been my rock and now we’re both as broken as each other.” Arin stood up and walked away from the bathroom but turned back around when he heard the door unlock.

Dan was stood in the doorway of the bathroom completely broken, he looked small and weak which was very unlike Dan. Arin ran over to Dan and pulled him into a tight hug. They both slowly descended to the floor where they held each other for a long time while simply crying into one another’s shoulders. Arin began rubbing Dan’s back in a calming manner, and kissed him on top of the head to sooth his pain a little. Dan knew it was going to be hard coming back home after everything that had happened but he didn’t realise it’d be this hard to even sit and make a simple game grumps episode.

Calming themselves significantly, Arin suggested they order some food then make a grump video. They both felt a little better after expressing themselves and felt good enough to record. The food was ordered and they continued chatting about mundane stuff while they waited for it to arrive. They ate and chatted some more before beginning to record a new video.

This episode was much more fun for them both, it was a horror so it allowed them to take their minds away from reality for a small while, immersing themselves in the horror aspects of the game. Allowing themselves to feel scared and be jump-scared by the littlest things. Playing the game allowed them to feel a different emotion to sadness or depression, they felt alive; but most importantly, they felt human.

After they finished the episode Dan headed out into the kitchen to grab them both some drinks rehydrate themselves from all the terror sweating. As he walked into the kitchen he hadn’t realised that Barry and Suzy had arrived at the office to finish some work. At this point, Suzy was 7 and a half months pregnant and her bump was very large. Dan didn’t notice at first and ran over to greet her because he hadn’t seen her since leaving for tour and she had been a great friend to lean on through his tough time.

He hadn’t told Arin that he had been in contact with Suzy and that she had been a great help when he was struggling with the pregnancy. He didn’t want to worry Arin because he knew how much he wanted the baby but in all honesty Dan knew something was wrong as soon as he collapsed on stage the first time, it immediately didn’t feel right and he felt awful throughout the small period he was pregnant.

Suzy was the one to help him understand what was ‘normal’ and what could be considered a cause for concern during the pregnancy. When he announced the miscarriage to the grumps, Suzy had rung him as soon as she could to try and console Dan which was hard to do over the phone, but he was thankful for her kindness.

After the miscarriage, he had completely forgot that Suzy was still pregnant and that it wasn’t all just an awful nightmare he had dreamt up. The reality set in for Dan as Suzy struggled to stand up from her chair to hug him; he immediately began to panic but he pulled himself together a little to make his way over to Suzy and hug her. As they hugged Dan could feel the bump press against his stomach which made him sob. Luckily it was only him and Suzy in the room so Dan could let out his emotions without fearing a crowd following them.

Suzy knew exactly what was going on in Dan’s mind, she wanted to continue to hug him and console him but in her heart she knew she was causing more harm than good. Letting go she allowed Dan his space and she gave him a sad smile as he wiped his face down before heading back to the grump room with the drinks. Before entering the room, he turned back to Suzy and mirrored her expression as an apology.

Dan entered the room and Arin could instantly tell that Dan had been crying again from the tear stains and red puffy eyes, “what happened?” Arin all but ran to Dan to check him over. They were just getting back to normal, their last episode went great, nothing was mentioned. They had fun, and they even genuinely laughed together for the first time in weeks. Things were just starting to look up.

“I forgot Suzy was pregnant.” Dan practically sobbed out, “How did I forget she was pregnant...?” Arin looked on as Dan continued rambling and questioning everything but started to understand as Dan caught his expression and began to clarify everything he was saying. “Barry and Suzy are here to finish up some work and I walked into the kitchen as Suzy was having her lunch which is normal enough considering its 2:30pm but it just shocked me a little to see her because we haven’t seen her since the tour. She stood up, or at least tried to stand up considering she’s 7 and a half months along now, and she went to hug me but the size of the bump took me off-guard, she’s not _huge_ but there’s definitely a pronounced bump- something I didn’t have.” Dan shook his head at the thought and carried on with his explanation before the depression set in, “as we hugged I felt the baby, I don’t know why the baby chose that moment to kick or whatever, but I felt it Arin, I fucking felt the life...” Dan paused once more and took a deep breath, “I cried when it happened and Suzy tried her best to console me but her hugging me made it worse and she knew that I couldn’t stay while she was happy and- pregnant.” Dan moved to sit on the couch and set their drinks on the small table in front of them.

Arin was visibly stunned; he didn’t know whether it was because he hadn’t thought about Suzy for months or whether it was the realisation of her pregnancy. He didn’t know whether to be angry at the interaction or the hurt it had caused Dan; or to be upset that Suzy was able to carry on with her ‘perfect’ life while theirs had started to fall apart. He continued to stand their speechless and in shock. Dan tried waving a hand in front of Arin’s face because he didn’t expect him to be affected this much by the sheer mention of Suzy’s name.

Whatever it was that Arin was feeling he, without thinking, directed all of that hurt and anger on to Dan which wasn’t his smartest move. “I didn’t realise you two were so friendly...” Arin appeared disappointed but his words were laced with sadness and hurt.

Dan didn’t want to say anything further on the matter because he knew it would just rile the situation up more and he wanted to forget about it, “Arin don’t do that! I simply went over to greet her, is that a crime?”

Arin knew he was being stupid and irrational but he couldn’t help himself, “oh a simple greeting, huh? So all those times you were on the phone to her or messaging her, they were all simple greetings? I know you’ve been in contact with her.” Arin was infuriated by this point but was masking it with a sarcastic overtone to prevent him from snapping completely.

“I-” Dan started but was completely dumfounded by the outburst.

“Guess you thought I wouldn’t notice, huh? Wouldn’t notice you’d go to a different room when your phone rang?”

“You don’t understand.”

“Don’t understand? You never talked to me. How am I supposed to understand something I didn’t even feel a part of?”

“You weren’t exactly the easiest person to talk to while I was going through the mill. You were so happy and I didn’t want to ruin that.”

“But I’m your partner, we should’ve been going through everything together.”

“I know. I’m-”

“Save it.” Arin snapped abruptly.

“Excuse me?” Dan was shocked by the sudden change in Arin’s mood.

“I just don’t understand what’s going on anymore. I thought we knew everything about each other and that’s what made us so strong but now I look at you and I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. You’re keeping secrets, you’re having secret midnight phone calls with Suzy and you barely even talk to me unless it’s on game grumps. Why has Suzy suddenly become more important to you than me? What’s she got that’s so special? What’s that bitch got, that I don’t?”

“Whoa Arin, stop.”

“No, c’mon, tell me!”

Dan was stunned at everything Arin was saying, “What the fuck, dude?! I get that you and Suze aren’t exactly on speaking terms right now, but that gives you no right to control who I talk to or contact. It’s none of your damn business.”

“Dan-” Arin started but was cut-off by Dan putting up a single index finger to shush him, then calmed himself before questioning.

“You heard some of mine and Suzy’s conversations?” Arin sheepishly nodded, slightly terrified at how calm Dan suddenly became. “So you heard me cries, my breakdown, my traumas?” Again another nod. “... And yet you walked around with a permanent smile, as if this was the best time of your life, all the while you knew I was going through hell?”

“Well, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t concer-”

“DON’T YOU DARE say you were concerned about me because if you really were, you would have talked to me instead of hoping everything would turn out fine in the end.” Dan was breathing heavily as his heart raced in his chest, he hadn’t felt this angry in his life.

Arin tried to protest but was shot down by Dan immediately jumping back in to finish his argument.

Dan calmed himself before following up. “I contacted Suzy, over talking to you, because she helped me with the pregnancy. I couldn’t talk to you because you didn’t know what I was going through, you couldn’t reassure me like she did. I knew the pregnancy was high risk, I didn’t have to be told by a nurse or doctor, I’m almost 40 so it was always going to be a risk... You think a pregnancy is smooth sailing at this age? No. I needed Suzy to tell me what was normal and what was abnormal because I was freaking out, man. I was terrified.”

Arin’s face dropped dramatically as he finally began to understand all of the fears Dan was going through, practically alone.

“If I’d have known you were going through this, I would’ve been more supportive.” Arin tried to defuse the situation but was failing miserably.

“You were too blind-sided by the whole situation that you couldn’t see exactly what I was going through. I wasn’t exactly hiding my true feelings. I mean yes, I did have my good days but they were very rare and you never really listened to what I had to say.” Dan had begun to cry a little again, his emotional state wasn’t in the best of places right now so anything could set him off all over again. This was just his last straw, he needed to be alone.

Arin hung his head in shame and tried to apologise, “Dan, I-”

Dan cut him off abruptly, “no Arin, don’t. I don’t want to hear it; I don’t want to see you right now.” Dan went to leave the room but turned to give him one last incentive. “You were so psyched about the baby and so hung up on how you were feeling, that you never once stopped to ask how I was handling it, whether I needed anything or if I was happy. I need time.” With that Dan left the grump office and headed to his apartment where he could be alone for a while.

Arin’s head began to ache, what had he done?


	12. Chapter 12

“I need time” three little words Arin did not want to hear, not from Dan. Especially not at this vulnerable time. He didn’t want Dan to be alone, wanted to be there by his side to help him through this; but he knew in his heart he knew he’d fucked up and that he needed to let him be by himself for a while. Arin had brought this on himself. If only he’d just kept his mouth shut and let him heal in his own way without starting up an argument.

Arin was left at the office with just himself and his thoughts. His rage got the better of him and he decided to go and have a little talk with Suzy, he didn’t want to upset her, he just needed to know why Dan chose to confide in her rather than opening up to him about his fears. Even though Dan had told him the exact reasoning behind his actions he, for some reason, still wanted Suzy’s side of the story.

As he entered the kitchen he knew exactly why the sight of Suzy had thrown Dan off so much. From the back, Suzy still looked very slim and small, but as he approached her he noticed the swell of her stomach which was very prominent at this point. He had lost track of all time since returning from tour so he still had the image of the smaller Suzy in his mind.

Suzy turned around as she heard the grump room door open, “I’m just finishing up,” she turned to see the hurt on Arin’s face. She started to tidy the space around her quickly before addressing the grump once again, “I’m sorry for everything you and Dan went through.” Her apology was sincere and it helped Arin a little to know that she wasn’t being malicious by deliberately rubbing her own pregnancy in their faces.

Arin’s face softened as he sat down with one seat between them at the table, to make sure she didn’t feel threatened or over-towered by Arin’s presence. “Stay as long as you need, don’t rush out on my account,” suddenly Arin was no longer angry at her, they’d both moved on and there was no need to keep grudges at this point. Arin just simply needed a shoulder to cry on. “Can I ask you something?”

Suzy looked at him intrigued and worried about the nature of the question, “uh, sure, what’s up?”

Arin cleared his throat and willed himself to not get emotional, “why did Dan choose to open up to you, instead of me, while on tour? I was there next to him the whole time and he never once spoke about his fears, he was always happy whenever he spoke about the baby.”

“Arin, you don’t know Dans full history, you don’t know what a pregnancy is like and you don’t know what it’s like to be absolutely terrified while you grow a human being inside you. Dan needed a little insider knowledge to help him understand what he was feeling and how he should be feeling at certain times. Unfortunately, that meant Dan contacted me, instead of talking to you.” Suzy watched as Arin soaked in all of her words.

Arin’s curiosity was spiked, “What do you mean by his ‘full history’? I think I know my own boyfriend pretty well; we’ve been best friends for years. I thought we knew everything about each other?”

The tone in Suzy’s voice softened, “Arin, it isn’t my place to say. I’m sure when Dan is good and ready he’ll tell you himself.”

“I guess you’re right, I still don’t understand fully.”

“I’m not trying to offend you by saying all of this, but it’s the truth. I know you and I haven’t exactly had to best of interactions since Barry and I... and I know that it was tough for you at first and I apologise for not having a full discussion with you first.” Suzy was being 100% sincere and she appeared to look hurt at her own actions.

Arin rubbed Suzy’s arm a little, “Hey, don’t be silly, you’re happy! That’s all I wanted for you, as long as you’re happy, I’m happy, see...” Arin plastered a big cheesy grin on his face which didn’t meet his eyes. Arin sighed as he continued talking, “I fear I’ve lost him Suze. I’ve really gone and done it this time, what if he never forgives me?”

Suzy mimicked Arins’ previous actions and rubbed at his arm in a comforting manner, “don’t be silly, you two are made for each other, in all honesty, I feared throughout our relationship that you’d run away with Dan and I’d be left behind.” Suzy laughed a little to try and lighten the mood which did work as Arin followed shortly after softly giggling at how ironic the situation was. “I think you need to go over there and talk to him properly.”

Arin looked terrified at the prospect, “but he told me he needs time, what if he hates me for interrupting his time alone?”

Suzy tilted her head and shot a side-eye look at Arin, “Dan could never hate you, if he tries to pick a fight tell him I told you to go and speak to him, he can’t get mad at me, I’m 7 months pregnant, no-one messes with a pregnant omega,” Suzy began to laugh but then realised her mistake as she saw Arin’s face cringe a little, “oh god, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry.” Suzy felt stupid for bragging.

“Don’t worry about it,” Arin stood up to leave but was pulled back by Suzy pulling at his arm for a hug.

Suzy hugged Arin tight as she spoke, “I know we’re not the best of friends right now, but if you need anything don’t hesitate to call!” And with that Arin headed off to Dan’s apartment.

-

Meanwhile, Dan entered his apartment alone. After taking a shower he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and just stood staring for a long while, taking in everything about his body he’d never really paid attention to before.

He was a slim person, muscular but slim. He’d always kept a regular weight, never gained much and there wasn’t much for him to loose. But now he looked underweight, he was losing muscle definition from rarely eating. He’d lie and tell people he’d just ate if he was asked if he wanted food, never letting on that he’d barely ate a thing since the tour. Didn’t want to worry anyone.

Still staring at himself, he turned to his side and ran a hand over his flat stomach and reminisced about how his stomach swelled just that little bit around his abdomen about a month prior, making it look as if he was bloated or eaten a full three course meal.

Dan would have been 17 weeks pregnant at this point and he could picture how that would have looked. A slight swell appearing slightly bigger every week, a subtle change but a one he’d notice straight away due to his small frame.

He cried as he held his stomach and sank to the floor, sitting there he could feel himself reliving that dark night on tour, falling to the floor in excruciating pain and clinging to Arin for some kind of relief as if he could take away the pain. From the minute he hit the floor he knew it was over, he felt the change happen and knew it wasn’t their time. Truth was, this was not his first miscarriage but he wanted it so badly to be his last.

Couldn’t go through with another, he barely survived the first without adding a second to the list. Arin would never understand, or at least that’s what Dan full heartedly believed. He wanted to tell him, help him understand every detail of his past but the truth was he wasn’t so sure he’d be able to open that dark corner of his brain that he’d kept shut for over 15 years.  
Although he didn’t like the way his body currently looked, he was grateful that all signs of his pregnancy were gone and he wasn’t constantly reminded of what could’ve been. It still saddened him but he needed closure to help put his mind at ease.

Pulling on a shirt to cover his overexposed middle, he crouched down in front of his wardrobe and pulled out a dusty old box. It had been kept in the darkest corner of his wardrobe, just like all of the memories it held in his brain. Covered in dust, indicating he hadn’t touched it or moved it in quite some time; couldn’t bear to.

He’d never showed anyone or dared to mention its existence in fear of revealing too much and deeming himself vulnerable. The box was full of old baby clothes, bright greens and yellows; blankets, bottles and a brown teddy bear all in good condition as if they were brand new. Everything was untouched. Dan held each item as if they were too fragile for the human touch, as if one wrong move and they would disintegrate.

10 years’ prior, Dan was in a committed relationship with a male, but not bonded, they had already been discussing bonding, marriage and kids when Dan became pregnant with their child. Despite the couple being unbonded, they made it work and carried on as normal to prevent any complications.

The pregnancy had been going smoothly for the first five months and they had already began collecting little bits and pieces for the baby. From small little collectable items such as teddy bears and toys; to larger items such as the crib and other furniture items.

Their lives were perfect, until one morning Dan was awoken abruptly by a sharp pain in his abdomen. He’d had a small ache in the bottom of his back the previous night and decided to have an early night. Now he was wide awake at 4am screaming in pain. The same pain he experienced that night on tour. He was all too familiar with the pain.

Dan later lost the first baby after being rushed to hospital in a similar manner as tour. He hated the memories attached to that box but he could never bring himself to rid himself of the memories it held. They weren’t precious or fond memories but they were his and his first child’s so he would never forgive himself if that box got misplaced.

Dan and his partner didn’t last long after the miscarriage because his partner blamed Dan for everything that had happened and ended up leaving him. Even though he knew in his heart that he was not at fault, for either miscarriage, he still felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. Even to this day.

Now he was terrified that Arin might do the exact same thing because it’d happened before with a guy he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with, so why wouldn’t it happened again with the guy he’d only been dating a couple of months. It is true that Dan and Arin had been best friends for a number of years, but all logic had gone out of Dan’s head as he’d fallen back into a depression.

Laying there sullen and slumped against the open wardrobe door, he couldn’t move. Simply paralysed by the haunting memories attached to the items in his hands. Tears were stained down his cheeks, slowly being joined by a fresh spill. The lights were turned off, didn’t want the world to know he was there, just lavished himself in the peaceful darkness for a while.


	13. Chapter 13

“I need time” three little words Arin did not want to hear, not from Dan. Especially not at this vulnerable time. He didn’t want Dan to be alone, wanted to be there by his side to help him through this; but he knew in his heart he knew he’d fucked up and that he needed to let him be by himself for a while. Arin had brought this on himself. If only he’d just kept his mouth shut and let him heal in his own way without starting up an argument.

Arin was left at the office with just himself and his thoughts. His rage got the better of him and he decided to go and have a little talk with Suzy, he didn’t want to upset her, he just needed to know why Dan chose to confide in her rather than opening up to him about his fears. Even though Dan had told him the exact reasoning behind his actions he, for some reason, still wanted Suzy’s side of the story. As he entered the kitchen he knew exactly why the sight of Suzy had thrown Dan off so much. From the back, Suzy still looked very slim and small, but as he approached her he noticed the swell of her stomach which was very prominent at this point.

He had lost track of all time since returning from tour so he still had the image of the smaller Suzy in his mind. Suzy turned around as she heard the grump room door open, “I’m just finishing up,” she turned to see the hurt on Arin’s face. She started to tidy the space around her quickly before addressing the grump once again, “I’m sorry for everything you and Dan went through.” Her apology was sincere and it helped Arin a little to know that she wasn’t being malicious by deliberately rubbing her own pregnancy in their faces. Arin’s face softened as he sat down with one seat between them at the table, to make sure she didn’t feel threatened or over-towered by Arin’s presence. “Stay as long as you need, don’t rush out on my account,” suddenly Arin was no longer angry at her, they’d both moved on and there was no need to keep grudges at this point. Arin just simply needed a shoulder to cry on. “Can I ask you something?” Suzy looked at him intrigued and worried about the nature of the question, “uh, sure, what’s up?”

Arin cleared his throat and willed himself to not get emotional, “why did Dan choose to open up to you, instead of me, while on tour? I was there next to him the whole time and he never once spoke about his fears, he was always happy whenever he spoke about the baby.”

“Arin, you don’t know Dans full history, you don’t know what a pregnancy is like and you don’t know what it’s like to be absolutely terrified while you grow a human being inside you. Dan needed a little insider knowledge to help him understand what he was feeling and how he should be feeling at certain times. Unfortunately, that meant Dan contacted me, instead of talking to you.” Suzy watched as Arin soaked in all of her words.

Arin’s curiosity was spiked, “What do you mean by his ‘full history’? I think I know my own boyfriend pretty well; we’ve been best friends for years. I thought we knew everything about each other?”

The tone in Suzy’s voice softened, “Arin, it isn’t my place to say. I’m sure when Dan is good and ready he’ll tell you himself.”

“I guess you’re right, I still don’t understand fully.”

“I’m not trying to offend you by saying all of this, but it’s the truth. I know you and I haven’t exactly had to best of interactions since Barry and I... and I know that it was tough for you at first and I apologise for not having a full discussion with you first.” Suzy was being 100% sincere and she appeared to look hurt at her own actions.

Arin rubbed Suzy’s arm a little, “Hey, don’t be silly, you’re happy! That’s all I wanted for you, as long as you’re happy, I’m happy, see...” Arin plastered a big cheesy grin on his face which didn’t meet his eyes. Arin sighed as he continued talking, “I fear I’ve lost him Suze. I’ve really gone and done it this time, what if he never forgives me?”

Suzy mimicked Arins’ previous actions and rubbed at his arm in a comforting manner, “don’t be silly, you two are made for each other, in all honesty, I feared throughout our relationship that you’d run away with Dan and I’d be left behind.” Suzy laughed a little to try and lighten the mood which did work as Arin followed shortly after softly giggling at how ironic the situation was. “I think you need to go over there and talk to him properly.”

Arin looked terrified at the prospect, “but he told me he needs time, what if he hates me for interrupting his time alone?”

Suzy tilted her head and shot a side-eye look at Arin, “Dan could never hate you, if he tries to pick a fight tell him I told you to go and speak to him, he can’t get mad at me, I’m 7 months pregnant, no-one messes with a pregnant omega,” Suzy began to laugh but then realised her mistake as she saw Arin’s face cringe a little, “oh god, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry.” Suzy felt stupid for bragging.

“Don’t worry about it,” Arin stood up to leave but was pulled back by Suzy pulling at his arm for a hug.

Suzy hugged Arin tight as she spoke, “I know we’re not the best of friends right now, but if you need anything don’t hesitate to call!” And with that Arin headed off to Dan’s apartment.

-

Meanwhile, Dan entered his apartment alone. After taking a shower he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and just stood staring for a long while, taking in everything about his body he’d never really paid attention to before.

He was a slim person, muscular but slim. He’d always kept a regular weight, never gained much and there wasn’t much for him to loose. But now he looked underweight, he was losing muscle definition from rarely eating. He’d lie and tell people he’d just ate if he was asked if he wanted food, never letting on that he’d barely ate a thing since the tour. Didn’t want to worry anyone.

Still staring at himself, he turned to his side and ran a hand over his flat stomach and reminisced about how his stomach swelled just that little bit around his abdomen about a month prior, making it look as if he was bloated or eaten a full three course meal.

Dan would have been 17 weeks pregnant at this point and he could picture how that would have looked. A slight swell appearing slightly bigger every week, a subtle change but a one he’d notice straight away due to his small frame.

He cried as he held his stomach and sank to the floor, sitting there he could feel himself reliving that dark night on tour, falling to the floor in excruciating pain and clinging to Arin for some kind of relief as if he could take away the pain. From the minute he hit the floor he knew it was over, he felt the change happen and knew it wasn’t their time. Truth was, this was not his first miscarriage but he wanted it so badly to be his last.

Couldn’t go through with another, he barely survived the first without adding a second to the list. Arin would never understand, or at least that’s what Dan full heartedly believed. He wanted to tell him, help him understand every detail of his past but the truth was he wasn’t so sure he’d be able to open that dark corner of his brain that he’d kept shut for over 15 years.  
Although he didn’t like the way his body currently looked, he was grateful that all signs of his pregnancy were gone and he wasn’t constantly reminded of what could’ve been. It still saddened him but he needed closure to help put his mind at ease.

Pulling on a shirt to cover his overexposed middle, he crouched down in front of his wardrobe and pulled out a dusty old box. It had been kept in the darkest corner of his wardrobe, just like all of the memories it held in his brain. Covered in dust, indicating he hadn’t touched it or moved it in quite some time; couldn’t bear to.

He’d never showed anyone or dared to mention its existence in fear of revealing too much and deeming himself vulnerable. The box was full of old baby clothes, bright greens and yellows; blankets, bottles and a brown teddy bear all in good condition as if they were brand new. Everything was untouched. Dan held each item as if they were too fragile for the human touch, as if one wrong move and they would disintegrate.

10 years’ prior, Dan was in a committed relationship with a male, but not bonded, they had already been discussing bonding, marriage and kids when Dan became pregnant with their child. Despite the couple being unbonded, they made it work and carried on as normal to prevent any complications.

The pregnancy had been going smoothly for the first five months and they had already began collecting little bits and pieces for the baby. From small little collectable items such as teddy bears and toys; to larger items such as the crib and other furniture items.

Their lives were perfect, until one morning Dan was awoken abruptly by a sharp pain in his abdomen. He’d had a small ache in the bottom of his back the previous night and decided to have an early night. Now he was wide awake at 4am screaming in pain. The same pain he experienced that night on tour. He was all too familiar with the pain.

Dan later lost the first baby after being rushed to hospital in a similar manner as tour. He hated the memories attached to that box but he could never bring himself to rid himself of the memories it held. They weren’t precious or fond memories but they were his and his first child’s so he would never forgive himself if that box got misplaced.

Dan and his partner didn’t last long after the miscarriage because his partner blamed Dan for everything that had happened and ended up leaving him. Even though he knew in his heart that he was not at fault, for either miscarriage, he still felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. Even to this day.

Now he was terrified that Arin might do the exact same thing because it’d happened before with a guy he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with, so why wouldn’t it happened again with the guy he’d only been dating a couple of months. It is true that Dan and Arin had been best friends for a number of years, but all logic had gone out of Dan’s head as he’d fallen back into a depression.

Laying there sullen and slumped against the open wardrobe door, he couldn’t move. Simply paralysed by the haunting memories attached to the items in his hands. Tears were stained down his cheeks, slowly being joined by a fresh spill. The lights were turned off, didn’t want the world to know he was there, just lavished himself in the peaceful darkness for a while.


	14. Chapter 14

Dan had given Arin a key to his place a few years earlier because they were best friends and they shared practically everything. Arin knocked first, out of respect for Dan’s privacy, because if Dan really didn’t want to see him then he couldn’t exactly force his way in by letting himself in. There was no answer, no voices to be heard, no sound of a television, he knew Dan was in because his car was parked outside. Arin tried knocking a couple more times which made him worry more and more after every failed response.

Eventually he decided to let himself in and forget all of his morals as he entered Dan’s apartment feeling very weary and on edge. “Dan?” Arin called out cautiously as he locked the door behind him, “Dan, are you home?” Arin continued to make his way through the apartment to try and find him. The apartment was silent until a faint sound of crying could be heard coming from Dan’s bedroom.

Arin cautiously made his way to the bedroom feeling very worried about what state Dan was going to be in as he entered. As he walked in gingerly, he could see Dan sat on the floor huddled in on himself clutching at what looked to be an old dusty teddy bear, sitting next to a box filled with baby things. “Dan?” Arin felt confusion and worry as he made his way closer towards him. He had a million questions running through his mind as he sat down carefully next to Dan.

Dan immediately latched onto Arin for comfort the minute he sat down. He was visibly shaking and hyperventilating. A panic attack. Arin was completely taken aback by the box full of baby things, blankets, ultra-sound photos, and tiny onesies. “I thought I was strong enough to bounce back like the last time. I thought it would be easier.” Dan sobbed out as he clutched tightly to Arins shirt.

‘The last time?’ Arin thought to himself, ‘he’d been pregnant before?’ Arin kissed the top of Dans head and asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” The curiosity was eating away at him but his main concern right now was making sure that Dan was okay and stable.

Dan nodded his head and sat up from leaning on Arins shoulder so he could look Arin in the eye as he spoke. He composed himself, wiped his face down and cleared his throat, “I’m sorry I scared you. I’m sorry for being such a moody bastard lately, I thought I was coping but it’s worse than last time.” Dan started to well up again but stopped himself, “this wasn’t my first miscarriage, I’ve miscarried before. I was in a serious relationship ‘bout 10 years ago with this guy, we had wedding plans, we were living together, and even engaged, the pregnancy was the cherry on top. Everything was going smooth, we held off the wedding planning until after the baby was born which was smart considering where we ended up.” Dan paused again to reminisce on the awful events.

“Take your time, Dan, we’ve got all night, I don’t want you spiralling into a depression.” Arin put a hand on Dan's knee and rubbed soothingly to convey a sense of peace. There wasn’t much he could do in a situation like this, he was completely helpless to Dan’s mental stability.

Dan was instantly eased by Arins touch and continued his story, “about five months into the pregnancy, I woke up in the middle of the night with a stabbing pain running across my abdomen, I’d never experienced anything like it before, and I just thought it was appendicitis at first but then I saw the blood on the sheets. I instantly freaked out and woke my fiancé up and we knew what was happening. It broke us.”

Arin felt broken inside, he was only listening to a story but he could feel the pure raw emotions Dan was conveying. He could see the hurt in Dan’s eyes as he was constantly on the verge of tears throughout the whole retelling and reliving of the event.

Dan looked at Arin for a little bit of reassurance before continuing, “We never recovered from the miscarriage, we tried to go back to our normal lives as if nothing had happened but that made everything worse. We didn’t go to counselling or talk to anyone, we pretended everything was fine for months until the day he left. He just packed up his bags and left. I couldn’t stay in the house, I couldn’t afford to on my own, and that’s why I moved to the apartment. Too many memories.” Dan felt a sense of relief as he finished the story, he was glad he could shed some light on his past and let Arin in.

Arin didn’t really know what to say, he’d never in a million years think Dan had been through something so tragic, but then he guessed that’s why he’s so happy and care-free now because he knows what chronic sadness and depression feels like. “Dan, I’m so sorry, if you’d told me all of this before that night happened, I would never have- I mean we wouldn’t be in this same boat.” He could see Dan shifting a little uncomfortably as he spoke. Arin pulled him into a hug and made him a promise, “I’m not going anywhere, you’re not getting rid of me anytime soon, and we can get through this together because we’re stronger as a unit. You’re stronger now than you were 10 years ago, I promise you.” Arin kissed the top of Dans’ head and allowed him to just sink into the feeling of being safe.

“You really mean that?” Dan looked up at Arin with big puppy dog eyes searching for some reassurance, “I guess I was just scared that you’d leave like he did,” Arin gave him a knowing look, “I know you’re different to him but I thought he was the one too.” Dan said that last sentence without any hesitation which took Arin completely off-guard.

Arin went wide-eyed as Dan was still snuggling into his shoulder, while Dan was completely unaware of the impact that one statement had on him. “You think I’m the one?” Arin blabbered out, almost incoherently.

Dan immediately flew up from where he was just previously snuggled, “Oh shit, we haven’t talked this far ahead.” Dan went into immediate panic mode because he had no idea where Arin’s head was currently at, he didn’t know if he even felt the same way. “I mean in some way I always thought of you as the one, but y’know we haven’t been together that long, this is a weird time to be talking about this right? We’re on the floor talking about depressing shit and I’m here blabbering on about soulmates- I’ll shut-” Dan’s almost incoherent rambling was interrupted by Arin pulling him into a strong and breath-taking kiss.

As they pulled away Arin mumbled, “I fucking Love you, Dan Avidan!”

“I love you too, big cat!” Dan was completely in awe over Arin’s attitude and how he was handling everything he was just told, he stared across at the box full of old memories and realised that that’s exactly what they were memories and it was time to stop living in the past and finally focus on their future together. “Let’s get up off the floor, put this box back in the closet and head for some food because I’m starving.”


	15. Chapter 15

About 6 months after the baby box breakdown, Dan and Arins relationship only grew stronger; they were inseparable, even more so than they were a year prior. Although they still had their rough days and still found some days to be tougher than others, they always found a way to bounce right back and develop a stronger bond. They never once talked about kids or starting a family, if it ever came down to that subject, they knew they would go down the adoption route or they may even delve into surrogacy but they’d cross that bridge if and when they got to it.

The topic of kids almost arose on a particularly difficult day for Dan as he stumbled across a tweet he and Arin had been mentioned in by a fan stating, “I can’t believe a year ago today I witnessed my favourite bands @Starbomb with @ninjasexparty and co. live on stage. Most amazing night of my life... Dan and Arins announcement at the end made all of my sleep deprivation worth it <3” He hadn’t realised that it had been a whole year since they started dating, since they found out about the baby and lost it. It had been a rollercoaster of a year but it made Dan all the more certain that Arin was definitely the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life.

Unbeknown to Dan, Arin was already aware of the weird anniversary that the day held and was already one step ahead of the game. He’d organised for them both to go to a nice restaurant and propose to Dan. But not a regular engagement or marriage proposal, more of a promise proposal because if they could get through the last year without any problems then they were 100% made for each other.

Also a ‘promise proposal’ seamed more fitting for their relationship dynamic. Arin knew exactly how Dan felt about marriages especially after the call off of his last marriage. But Arin was 100% in the same boat after his last marriage ended, it made him realise that you don’t need a piece of paper to tell everyone how you feel about each other.

Dan wasn’t in on the plans as it was a surprise but he knew something was up because Arin was being cryptic by constantly making sure Dan was free that particular night. Constantly telling him not to make plans because he had something already planned for them but never once elaborated on what they were.

Arin wanted that night to be special mainly because he didn’t want to have any anniversaries which had negative connotations attached to them, especially not when it concerned their relationship. He wanted that day to be remembered for happiness and something they could look back on fondly. That’s why he knew this was the perfect time for an event like this. The next major life event for them both.

They had moved in together almost immediately after Dans breakdown because Arin realised that they both needed each other and couldn’t bear to live without each other. They knew they needed to be with one another during the difficult and rough times rather than shut each other out because that really was not a healthy approach to any situation; especially not a relationship.

Dan got changed into ‘something nice’, just a plain pair of black pants with a nice white shirt, and headed down to meet Arin who was wearing a pair of black slacks and a navy blue shirt. They both looked incredibly smart which made Dan even more eager to find out exactly where they were going and what they were doing. He always loved surprises but never liked the anticipated lead up to it, he preferred to know what he was doing so he could plan in advance.

Climbing into Arin’s car, Dan sat with his hands clasped together resting on top of his knees feeling very nervous about the evening ahead and whether there was a hidden meaning behind what was about to unfold. After spending what felt like an eternity to Dan, they’d travelled down highways and through small hidden away back streets and eventually they’d arrived at the restaurant. The significance wasn’t apparent at first but Arin soon cleared it up. “Remember years ago,” Arin saw Dan cringe slightly at the thoughts of a year ago, “no-no, not a year ago, further back, when you first joined grumps?” Arin watched on as Dan’s faced comedically changed through every emotion in the space of two seconds.

Dan thought for a second and realised where this was going, “oh yeah, on my first day you took me to this cute little restaurant down the block that did this amazing beef burger, I don’t remember what the restaurant was called though, it shut down and I was pretty heartbroken. Fun fact, I’ve never experienced a better burger since, kinda miss it actually...” Dan phased out of his sentence as he watched Arin’s face light up, “this is the same restaurant isn’t it? It moved to a new location, didn’t it?” Dan immediately became giddy with anticipation, he’d dreamt of that burger many a time, metaphorically woke up with meat sweats and withdrawals for many months after.

Arin simply giggled with glee as he led Dan into the restaurant, the decor was different but the menu was, thankfully, the same. Dan’s mouth began watering the minute he sat down and opened the menu, he could smell the burger, taste the burger.

After ordering their meals, they sat and waited patiently for their food with a couple drinks in hand. “So, what even is up with all this?” Dan spoke quizzically, speaking in tongues. “All this cryptic shit and secrecy has been killing me, but of course you know that.” Arin knew secrets and surprises were Dan’s absolute kryptonite.

Arin mocked being offended, holding his chest as he spoke, “can’t a guy just treat his boyfriend every once in a while? I’m hurt and offended that you’d think I’m not spontaneous and just wanted to be nice.” Dan gave him a look which made him drop the act and spill, “okay, here goes, I just want you to be happy, and for that to happen I don’t want there to be any negative connotations to anniversaries. Of course, a year ago today we lost the baby.” Before the mood could be ruined, he moved quickly on with his point. “Now I don’t want this day to be a constant reminder of those dark times, y’know?” Dan still wasn’t really catching on to what he was saying.

Dan took a swig of his beer, “yeah I get you. I guess it isn’t good to hang on to those memories.”

Arin mimicked him and took a swig of his own beer, “which is why I was thinking...”

“Go on...” Dan leant forward waiting patiently.

Arin rubbed his own arm nervously, “well, I want this day to be remembered for something else, which is why I wanted to ask you something.”

Dan sat shocked for a second before grabbing Arin’s arm softly, “don’t. I know what you’re about to do and I want to stop you.” Dan didn’t know exactly what was going on but he knew that it wasn’t best for either of them. “I love you, and I want to be with you till we’re old and grey shouting at kids to get off our lawn,” they both giggled at the thought, “but I don’t want to get married, in general, the hassle of planning is the worst and I’ve been through that stress and came out the other end with nothing, I don’t think I can go through that again, I just-” Dan was cut off by Arin grabbing his hands and shushing him softly.

“Hey, hey it’s not a marriage proposal. Calm down okay?” The worried and panicked look on Dan’s face melted away at Arin’s soothing tones. “It’s a promise proposal.” Dan appeared confused at Arin’s proposal, “it’s nothing to do with weddings, I’ve been through one and vowed never again, we don’t need a certificate or a piece of paper to show how much we love each other.” Arin kissed Dan’s hand that he was still holding.

Dan broke out into a wide shit-eating grin, “holy shit, Arin. Who knew you were such a softie?”

Arin blushed hard, “stop it, dude.” They were interrupted by their food arriving, “Guess we’ll pick this up after.” They both laughed and looked at each other with love in their eyes.


	16. Chapter 16

Dan took his first bite of the burger and audibly groaned, “Fuck, dude.” Dan couldn’t stop groaning and moaning every time he took a bite. He addressed the burger as if it was a separate sentient being for a second, “I forgot how good you were, where have you been all these years?” He was immediately lost in the sensation of good food.

Arin just looked on with a flushed face as he cleared his throat loud enough for Dan to snap out of his orgasm. Clearly he hadn’t picked up on all the eyes that had darted his way when that first sound left his lips, causing families with young children to block their ears and glare their way. “Dan, dude, you need to chill.” Arin was laughing but with a hint of embarrass to his voice. “There are children present and they all have scary looking fathers.” Arin tried to keep his voice low so that only Dan could hear him.

“... But have you tried the burger, it’s like sex in a bun.” Dan obviously didn’t care about the staring because he was in a nice restaurant, eating nice food with the love of his life, what more could he ask for?

Arin simply laughed, who was he to argue when he could see the pure happiness in Dans face. He enjoyed seeing his boyfriend happy and this was the first time he’d seen him genuinely ecstatic about something.

They finished their meals, while other families came and went. The two of them left alone in their little booth to finish the conversation they had started before eating. “Now, where were we before we were interrupted by that meal you were enjoying... Way too much if I do say so myself...” Arin smirked as the sarcastic tone earned him a mocked hurt look.

“For your information that burger was better than sex so it deserved all the gratitude it got.” Now it was Arin’s turn to look wounded. They both giggled at the immaturity they were presenting, then Dan continued, “I believe you were telling me how amazing I am and how lucky you are to have me.” Dan joked.

The joke wasn’t caught on as Arin just continued that statement, “I do love you so much and I can’t imagine my life without you or your smartass sarcasm...” He paused, “I heard you.” They both giggled. “But yeah, don’t worry this isn’t a marriage proposal just wanted to show you how much you really mean to me without sticking to traditions.”

Arin got down on one knee and presented Dan with a small box, “Dan would you do me the honour of, not being my husband, but my soulmate?” At this point they had already obtained all of the eyes in the room - waitresses standing by, chefs coming out of the kitchen to watch, couples and families nearby all turning to watch the moment unfold.

Everyone was on the edge of their seats watching on to see the answer. Dan looked around and coughed to direct Arin to all the watchful eyes staring at them both. Arin laughed at the predictability, no-one could resist a cute proposal moment.

Dan leant close to Arin, “of course, you idiot!” Dan stood up and pulled Arin up to his feet. They embraced and kissed affectionately while the whole restaurant watched on with loud cheers and whistles filling up the air around them.

They both pulled away from each other with wholesome smiles on their faces, and smiled at the crowd with sincerity on their faces. Arin fist bumped Dan’s left hand in the air, in his own, and exclaimed “I just got soul-mated, motherfuckers!” Luckily no children were present since it was 11:30pm but Arin didn’t care either way.

The two of them basked in the cheers and all the congratulatory whistles and comments. A couple of fans had been dining at one of the tables near them and had recorded the whole interaction.

The couple approached them gingerly, the woman - who looked to be in her mid-20’s - spoke first, “Hey, congratulations you two. We’re both huge fans so it’s really nice to see you two happy and moving forward.” They offered their hands to shake but the couple were pulled into a hug by the two grumps, unable to contain their happiness.

The Man - also in his mid-twenties - cleared his throat and mentioned to the grumps that he’d caught the whole moment on video. “If you guys don’t mind, we caught that magical event on video...” The grumps looked at him a little puzzled. “Sorry let me rephrase. We’re food critic vloggers and we go round restaurants critiquing food and drink. We were in the middle of recording our reviews of this place when we noticed all the commotion going on behind us. When I realised what was going on I started recording the scene. So if you wanted, I could send you it for your channel(s)” The young man looked a little sheepish as he finished speaking because he didn’t know whether the grumps would feel violated that they were being recorded without their permission.

Dan’s face lit up, “that’d be great! We’re usually private people so we never think to bring a camera along to occasions like this.” Most of the time the two preferred to keep everything as private as possible until big events were set in stone.

Arin carried on the cheery tone of the conversation, “thanks for being honest with us, most people would’ve deliberately recorded us in secret and then posted the video to their own social media without our permission.” Usually that never bothered them until recently after all of the drama the past year, they were sick of reading assumptions and false news spread about them and their relationship. It would be nice to have an actual positive update on their lives made public, on their own terms.

“Let us buy you both a drink for being so kind” Dan dismissed their refusing, bought them both a drink and invited them to sit with them at their booth. They were both profusely thanked the rest of the night.

The four of them sat, drank and chatted the rest of the night. After exchanging details for the video, the couple set off back to their own reality, leaving the two grumps to sit and ponder their own.

Their past year had been a roller coaster of events but neither one of them would change it for the world because it made them stronger people - made them cherish everything in their lives that little more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end... For now. I don't know whether I'll write a follow-up story to this, or I might just write a whole new story with a similar premise. Who know?  
> I'm so happy I've potentially finished it and drawn it to a reasonable conclusion.  
> So thank you for all of the lovely comments that've been left on this story, sometimes that's the only thing that's kept me updating it.


End file.
